Tuesday, April 19, 2005

God's Total Quality Management Questionaire

(This is day two of me not writing my own material. Like Longfellow, however, this is worth reading. Though not necessarily for the same reasons. Longfellow, for instance, is a master of metrical meter. This, on the other hand, is just fucking hilarious.)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following question. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Televsion
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other book
__ Divine Inspriation
__ Near death experience
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other (specify: ____________)

2. Wich model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Jehova
__ Allah
__ God
__ Father, Son, & Holy Ghost
__ Jesus
__ Satan
__ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god.

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
______________________________________________

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet boys/girls
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Needed a day off from work
__ Like organ music
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ APollo
__ Ra
__ The great Spirit
__ The golden calf
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Bill Clinton
__ Zinedine Zidane
__ A burning cabbage
__ Other: _________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Self-help books
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Crystal pyramids
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Bill Clinton
__ ESP
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Boston Red Sox
__ Monty Python
__ Other: ___________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (mark only one)?
__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
__ Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1= unsatisfactory, 5= excellent).
DISASTERS:
__ floods
__ famine
__ earthquake
__ war
__ pestilence
__ plague
__ SPAM
__ America Online
__ 2004 presidential election
MIRACLES:
__resucues
__ spontaneous remissions
__ stars hovering over rural villages
__ crying statues
__ water changing to wine
__ walking on water (other than the Hudson River)
__ talking, flaming shrubbery
__ VCRs that set their own clocks
__ Saddam Husein still alive
__ Red Sox winning the world series
__ 2004 presidential election

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
____________________________________________________________________

Thank you!

4 comments:

ZB said...

I'm impressed that your list includes Zinedine Zidane. In these days of false dawns and false idols, it is good to know that you can rely upon genius. For further proof, check out his left footed volley with the ball dropping behind him to win the European Cup final. For further further proof, just watch any clip of him with the ball at his feet. A ballet dancer in boots.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Actually, the original survey used Jusint Timberlake, but I threw Zinedine in just for you, big fella.

Timorous Beastie said...

The great pumpkin? I can't belive I've been so unfairly left out of the loop on this.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Every year on Halloween the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch and brings presents to all the good little boys and girls. Further expostulation and wisdom pertaining to the GP can be found in the sacred texts by Charles Schultz in the words of the prophet Linus, aka My Sweet Baboo.