Unlike this poor schlob, i AM Michael Phelps

During the Olympics this summer you may have seen the BBC news reporter who is not Michael Phelps.



I know how he feels. I've taken up swimming at Pirate's gym, mostly because 2/3 of the time I show up for weight-lifting or circuits classes they get canceled due to me being the only one HARD CORE enough to show up. So I hit the pool instead.

I used to be a really slow swimmer. A really really really slow swimmer. Then I discovered the box of flippers next to the kick boards. Now, rather than praying for the wall at the opposite side of the pool, which advanced so slowly I used to fear the second coming would happen before I reached it, it rushes toward me with such rapidity that it frightens me, and I have to slow down to avoid an out-and-out crash.

"So this is what it feels like to be Michael Phelps" I thought, the first time I swam with the flippers on. "Brilliant!"

Now crowds follow me where ever I go. I can't get out of the locker room without signing autographs. Oh well. It's all part of the price of fame.

Bad Ass

I've begun taking jujitsu and boxing. Jujitsu on Tuesdays and boxing on Thursdays. It's brilliant. It's helping to bring my fitness back up to snuff (which has suffered abysmally since Henley last June), and is helping my mental state as well. Get me, I'm tough. *Grrrrr!*

To all my British colleagues:

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!

*sheepishly*

And, um, can we come back? Please?

In the news...

Cycling, whistling grandmother from 'Bellville Rondezvous' ** given high military honours for leading French resistance during WWII (see photo, left).








**'The Triplets of Bellville,' American title

Wesolego Alleluja!

Off to the in-laws with my mom to celebrate Easter. Pirate and I are picking her up at the airport tomorrow (Good Friday) and heading oop north. This is going to be interesting.

Full report on Tuesday. In the meantime, enjoy the Peep show.

LC doesn't love me anymore

Apparently I'm too honest and sane to hang out with the Liars and Lunatics.

*sobs*

*blows nose into soppy, used tissue*

*wipes face on sleeve*

The News in Brief

and Thong, and Tighty Wighty, and Bikini, and...


Politics
I'm the Vice-Pres of the Atheist, Agnostic, and Secular Society. We're holding elections tonight for a new Pres. (I don't want to be it. I don't have time to do the job I've got.) Mostly my concern is that the one person who's being doing all the work for the last 18 months will have to continue to do all the work, and when he graduates there won't be a society any more. We need to start spreading some responsibility around or the club will die, which would be a huge shame.

Health
I'm seeing a chiropractor. Although the ruptured disk is as healed as it will ever be, my pelvis is apparently out of alignment. This is causing me to put 15 more pounds of pressure on my right foot than on my left when I stand. Such misalignment puts a twist in my spine that will make reinjury more likely, so I'm having it sorted. Which is good. I guess. I'm a bit skeptical of chiropractors. They're not doctors. I worry that it's all just so much snake oil. Any thoughts?

Finance
I can't afford the chiropractor. I earn about 100 pounds a week. This is my only regular income. I could earn more, but I don't have time to take on a third job. My rent is 78 pounds a week. I have the remaining 22 to live off and buy things like food, books, and pay for rowing expenses. The chiropractor costs 50 pounds a week, plus 12 pounds a week in bus fares to get there (his office is in a different city). Ow. I'm afraid this will hurt my wallet more than it will help my back.

Arts
Went to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo at Colston Hall last night. They were amazing. Rich, soulful, powerful, and even a bit camp at times. At one point a bunch of women jumped up on stage and started hugging the guys! There is not enough music in my life right now. It was wonderful to sit there with their round, full harmonies filling my ears. I needed that.

Celebrity
Our Roving Reporter spotted the Pirate this weekend down at the Bristol boat house on the Avon near Bath. He was helping his stiff, sore, pathetic, degenerate, dejected girlfriend lift her scull out of the water. Later, our source informs us, he took her to his gym to get a proper workout in, since her water session was too painful for her back and she returned after doing a paltry 3k. At the gym he spotted her while she did an upper body weights circuit and helped her stretch afterwards. Later that evening (according to our snoop) he spend nearly an hour giving her a full-body deep muscle massage with lots of beramot-scented oil and a rolling pin.

Obituaries
Daisy the Wonderbeagle passed away last week. She had to be put down owing to excessive feebleness and inability to hold her pee. She leaves behind 4 grieving bipeds and numerous friends and admirers. She was 15 1/2.

Horoscope
Your position is shaky right now, but that is temporary. You will find a way out, as you always do. In love, you are coming to a crux. Soon you will know for certain where you stand, one way or the other.

Marcel Marceau

died the other day at the age of 84.

What i want to know is, what were his last words? 'Oh my God the Germans have invaded Poland!' ?


Miss Melville wondered if the cause of death was choking. As in mime grabs throat, wife rolls eyes...