Since I began cooking at the tender age of 6 (my mom refused to pack my lunch for me, so as soon as I started all-day school, I had to make my own sandwiches), I have slowly, arduously, with great gusto and many setbacks, been perfecting my own recipe for...
...chicken salad.
Quit laughing. Chicken salad is a fine art, and requires a subtle touch. Sure, any moron can chop up a bunch of leftover roast chicken and smear some mayonaise on it, but that ain't proper chicken fucking salad.
Now, after 20 years of steady practice, I'm pretty handy in the kitchen. I can make anything you've got a recipe for, and I'm pretty good with modification and invention. I do stews and chowders that would satisfy a starving Icelandic fisherman, my pie crusts flake like a bad case of dandruff (there's an apetizing similie for you), and my salad courses are the stuff of legend. I have high standards for my cooking because I require that my food meet numerous criteria. It can't just taste good. Oh no, mis companeros, even McFuckingDonalds can make food taste good. My food must:
Taste good
Look attractive/ have an appealing presentation
Smell appetizing and mouth watering
And most importantly, be extremely nutrious. (With the exception of my exceptional desserts, all of my food is extremely healthy, 'cause I'm one of those granola-smoking health nuts.)
In the spirit of friendship and charity and bragging, I'm going to do something I don't normally do: I'm going to give you all one of my truly original recipes. I made this up. I invented it. I take full credit for it. It's almost totally different from Viola's chicken salad, sort of. I highly recommend you try this out. Your chicken salad eating days will never be the same. Allow it to entice you, satisfy you, and nourish you body and soul and tastebuds. Life is good. (for everyone but the chicken. poor bastard.)
World's Best Chicken Salad
You will need:
4 large, skinless, boneless chicken breasts
Cooking oil
1 Cup coarsely chopped dried apricots
1 Cup coarsely chopped walnuts
1 Cup coarsely chopped celery
Miracle Whip (or mayonaise, if you're a loser)
Paprika
Salt
Pepper
Heat the oil in a heavy skillet. Cut the chicken breasts into strips, and place in pan. (The pan should be large enough so that the pieces just touch. If they are piled on top of one another, get a bigger fucking pan you moron and learn how to brown chicken properly.) Season the chicken while it is cooking. Season lightly with salt, and generously with pepper and paprika. Cook the chicken gently until it is done through. Remove chicken from heat and place on layered paper towels to soak up any extra oil and moisture. Set aside to cool.
Meanwhile, chop your apricots, walnuts, and celery, and place them all in a large mixing bowl. When the chicken is cooled, chop it into 1 cm. cubes, and add it to the bowl. Add just enough Miracle Whip (or mayonaise, if you're a loser) to glue everything together, about 1 Cup, and mix thoroughly. Enjoy in a sandwich with good brown bread, or as a cool summer lunch on a bed of greens with slices of ripe tomato. Serve with cold ice tea. You're welcome.
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