Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Male perspective

Most of my friends and family do not have the url to this site. They know i write a blog, and i'm sure they suspect they appear in it periodically, but they don't read it. I don't let them because i don't want to have to censor myself. So few readers of this site who actually know me personally are both a) a small minority of my friends, and b) have never met my family. This keeps my fam and my blog-reading friends in different spheres of my life, which is good.

Occasionally it happens, however, that I write something which I find to be especially entertaining or poignant. When that happens, I sometimes c&p the post into an email and send it to my dear old dad.

Why dad? Well, over the years he's become my intellectual companion. Mom's more emotional. When I was a kid and fell out of a tree and skinned my knee, mom would comfort me and pet and wipe my tears. Dad would say, "that was unpleasant, so we obvioulsy want to avoid this sort of thing in the future. How can we do that? We have 2 options: one is to cease tree-climing. The other is to wear knee pads."

When you're seven years old that's not the sort of cerebral response you tend to value. You want someone to tell you it's all right and give you ice cream. When you're twenty-seven that changes. As I've grown, I've found myself becoming less and less dependent on mom's tea and sympathy and relying more on dad's calm and rational perspective. Mom is very comforting, but dad is more helpful.

I have of course discusses ("whined") about the single aspect of my life to my mother at times appropriate. She is very sympathetic and gets angry at men on my behalf and declares them all stupid and she can't understand why a catch like me has gone so long without being caught. Sweet, but not helpful. Which is why I emailed the post "Where Have all the Male Feminists Gone" to dad. He mulled it over for a couple days and then emailed me a lengthy response of very practical suggestions, in typical dad fasion. Some of his suggestions equate to climing trees with knee pads, but on the whole his letter is so damn adorable I just had to print it here and share it with all of you, my lovely annonymous friends. Your responses and feedback are, as always, welcome and valued.

Good afternoon darling Daughter,

Your note was well written and entertaining as an English major's should be - you have learned well. However, you did not apply that wonderful mind to address and (hopefully) solve the problem. As you noted, the issue is with society and male behavior in general rather than anything specific to you. As a male I have some insight into the issue.

Some thoughts:
Based on my experince and observations over the years, females to better when they seach out potential mates and agressively go after them. Not all males will respond to this technique, you need to find the ones who are relatively smart but socially inept to some degree. You will train them in the social graces over time. I was not the wonderful sophisticate you see now.......... Males worthy of dating or marriage are most likely not the athletes because of their own narcissistic problems - it's all about them. Marriage material will likely not be the Adonis type. You want steady, smart and dedicated (to you). The guy in the library that takes surreptitious glances at you but would never have the courage to approach you (or any attractive female - he may be seen hanging around fat/fawning females who make him feel safe in their company). He may not seem the smartest guy around but that may be a circumstantial thing rather than innate ability. I was a C student all through school and early college, wasn't until much later that I realized I was quite capable of 'A' work. The result of thyroid problems as a child and poor teachers/encouragement in many root classes. It may serve you well to gather up writings (scientific, not pop culture) on male female relationships and especially male behaviors/socializing problems in our society. With knowledge is power and confidence, you must always be a step ahead and thinking deeper than your chosen male, your mother is very good at keeping me content but clueless. She sometimes rails against my seeming cluelessness but interestingly, makes no real effort to address the issue, she's running the show and would be very uncomfortable if roles were switched, so she occasionally complains but in reality would not change anything.

I know you do not 'do' makeup but, from a scientific perspective, what you are really doing is mimicking sexual arousal in the female that goes strait to a male's libido (and other parts) when viewed. If you take a dispassionate look at our culture it is VERY sexually oriented, our incredible intellectual abilities as a species is overlaid on an equally powerful sex drive. You've been trying to appeal to the intellectual nature of males you encounter -- you may find hunting much better skipping their minds and going where they spend most of their waking time - sexual fantasies of all kinds, all the time, is much closer to reality then deep thoughts on quantum mechanics or good literature (Lady Godiva maybe).

Subtle makeup can be very attractive, a little lipstick and hint of eyeshadow. Try out some various shades/colors on any gay males you know, they should be very good at recognizing your best colors. You don't want to appear androgynous when hunting males. Also, they ALL have fragile egos most of the time. You can use that to your advantage as a technique for getting their attention, they WANT to believe they are attractive and smart, so a little pampering will go a long way at little real cost (occasional gag reflexes may need to be controlled).

Beware of becoming "one of the boys/guys", you will have company and camaraderie but probably no mate/dating potential. For what it's worth.

Love ya!

That's why I love my dad.


hendrix said...

He's spot on you know.

Timorous Beastie said...

What a sweetheart. And so thoughful, no? Are you sure he's not really your mum dressed up?

ZB said...

The guy is a genius. Someone ring Nice Bum Head Fuck and then release her back into the wild.