Saturday, June 24, 2006

At Herebe Monsters's Request

English Men

First date: you pull

Second date: you have wild, hot, slippity, slappity monkey sex.

Third date: He tells you to bring him a beer and shut up so he can watch the match.

Scottish Men

First date: you pull

Second date: you find out what's really under that kilt

Third date: he leaves you for a sheep.

American (white) Men:

First date: he buys you an expensive dinner

Second date: you fumble around in the back of his car and it takes him 30 minutes to figure out how your bra works

First anniversary: you kill yourself because you can't mangae the incredible debt you've accrued from the unnecessesarily large suburban house and minivan you purchased to house and transport your 1.5 kids who have both been shot while on duty in Iraq anyway. Hubby comes out of the closet while in drug rehab.

American (black) Men:

First date: He buys you an expensive dinner

Second date: You discover the orgasmic truth of the saying "once you go black you never go back."

Third date: his funeral. His other girlfriend found out about you and capped his ass.

Jewish Men:

First date: You have dinner with the family on their plastic-covered dining room furniture.

Second date: His mother asks you why she doesn't have any grandchildren yet.

Third date: You dump the mama's boy.

Italian Men:

First date: He buys you an expensive dinner at the Resturaunt owned by his family.

Second date: Same resturaunt. You accidently overhear a conversation about where they dumped the body.

Thrid date: You marry him because it was either become part of the family or get dumped with the other body.

Jamaican Men:

First date: Do a little dance, make a little love, smoke a few joints.

Second date: Get the munchies.

Third date: Where are we again?


The Hopeless Romantic said...

Second date: you have wild, hot, slippity, slappity monkey sex.

Hmmm, this must be where I'm going wrong. Next time I'll paint my arse bright red and then stick it in her face. Now if that doesn't work, nothing will....

First Nations said...

this is soooooooooooooooooooooo politically incorrect...
woo hoo! you are now an official biker! even though you row a canoe. a canoeker?
no, that sounds like you're from BC.
geeze, lady!
i love the one about the american white guy. you so totally pegged the bra interlude. ditto the black guy, point 2.
sorry, mateys, but black american guys really do have enooooooooormous schvantztukkas.

hendrix said...

Did I get the only 2 great lovers in America then? Oops sorry! (and Fns right about black guys though obviously I've only ever been with F so wouldn't know that - honest - truly.)

Anyway fantastic post CB - you did nail it (especially the Jewish guy). However I'd suggest for English men (or possibly Geordie men?) it should read

First date: you pull (but only because he's not got the taxi fare home because obviously any Geordie guy that goes out the pull is a poof - the whole point of a Geordie going out is to drink loads of beer, have a fight and a kebab - the last 2 not necessarily in that order)

Second date: he forgets your name but tells you to bring a beer and shut up anyway so that he can watch the match. and by the way his mates are coming round later so could you make yourself scarce except when they need more beer.

Third date: he's shagging with your best mate.

There's also the French version of this which goes something like

First date - He buys you an expensive dinner and spends the evening quoting Balzac and Brel at you, likening your eyes to stars, your lips to crushed rubies and skin to alabaster.

Second date - He takes buys you an expensive dinner, you go back to his place and have wild hot, slipperty, slappity sex.

Third date - He buys you an expensive dinner and then asks you your opinion of the political situation vis a vis the current world leaders, the state of the United Nations and the future of the oil industry.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

French dudes? Serioulsy? Fuck. I'm in the wrong country. (If F knows any more of these, could he possibly pop one in the post to me? ZB's got my address.)

hendrix said...

Know loads of them.'re attached.

GreatSheElephant said...

I want a French bloke. Please.

Does he actually want you to have opinions though or does he just want a chance to air his and for you to agree with them?

hendrix said...

No, the Frenchmen that I've met (which may or may not be a good cross section) actually want/expect/and get pissed off if you don't have, any opinions or indepth knowledge of worldwide politics. Of course they want you to agree with them (they're men) but they don't really care that much if you don't as long as you're prepared to discuss the issue - although discussions are expected to get heated! (especially after the 3rd espresso!)

God, I never realised that women actually wanted this! This could be a whole new career for me - Believe me, it can get wearing. All the French I've met seem to follow world events the way we watch a soap opera.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

You mean there's an entire country full of people who pay attention to what's going on in the world around them? wow. how refreshing! That has got to be the absolute pan-dimensional opposite of America.

GreatSheElephant said...

sounds better than soap opera to me. Send them this way please.

ZB said...

There is always a flaw in every buy a diamond mine scheme and here's the one for the scheme.

They're French.

H got lucky with the one she got.

hendrix said...

well yes I did and I happened to fall in love with him. But...from a purely objective point of view, I also know quite a few other frenchmen and I can't see that the fact that they're french as that much of a problem.

ZB said...

You've built up an immunity.

Hannah said...

The English and Jewish things? Scarily, scarily familiar...