Monday, March 26, 2007

Farts, Fish, and Fridays

I'm the new Girl Friday. Yeah, working as a receptionist one day a week. That day is Friday. So when my boss took me around to introduce me to the staff (all 75 of them), approx. 80% of them said, "So, you're our new Girl Friday!" and chuckled like it was original. Oh yeah, you fellas are too clever for me. *sigh* Whatever. It pays the rent.

*****

Brave Sir Robin is unwell. He developed a touch of fin clamp last week. I've been treating it with with Aquari-sol but there has been no improvement. On Saturday I left for the Pirate's house, and when I got back today he had developed a serious case of fin and tail rot and a touch of ick. Great. The fishy trifecta of death. Whatever. I've gotten weaker fish out of worse jams than this.

I cut the rotten bits off his tail with scissors to stop the spread, and I've treated the aquarium with salt. The only tricky bit is that I can't raise the water temp because the tank is too small for a heater. Any clever ideas on how I can raise the temp of the water without boiling the little guy?

*****

This bit is embarassing. I've been having serious farting issues. Even more serious than normal, that is. It's actually starting to interfere with my life. I've become afraid to go out. Just to give you an idea of how bad it is, when I was at my first day of work on Friday, the other receptionist kept asking me if I smelled "that sewer smell." I managed to convince her it was coming from outside whenever someone walked in the door because they were doing sewer repairs down the street. Yeah, it's that bad.

I know dairy gives me gas, and since I'm out of my dairy-aid pills I've given up on cheese and milk.

I know red meat give me gas, but I can't afford to eat dead cow anyway.

I hate beans, so I never eat those.

Mostly I eat wheat bread, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, couscous, live yoghurt, and loads of fresh veggies and fruit. Just to be safe I've cut out all the broccoli and cabbages.

I have no idea what could be causing this flatulence, but it's constant (several times an hour, all day, every day) and it's noxious. Even I can smell it, and when you can smell yourself it's a bad sign. I've been contemplating seeing a doctor, but I really don't think they'll take me seriously. Any bright ideas out there in the ether?

20 comments:

Da Nator said...

You could try a small heat lamp, or even a desk lamp with a 40-75 watt bulb, really, pointed at Robin's tank. I find the UVA/UVB lamps warm up our turtles' tanks quite a bit, even when the heaters aren't on. Of course, you'll want a thermometer to monitor the temps.

Or, you could just light your farts near him.

As for your, er, problem - I know your pain. Have you tried Beano, or dietary enzymes, such as Papain? Also, ginger (fresh, candied or in tea) and aloe vera juice or gel (cold, taken like a shot of liquor), can be very soothing to the stomach and digestive tract, especially if you do it for several days. If that doesn't work, all I can suggest is to try something like Gas-Ex, see a doctor or/and go on an elimination diet to see if you've got some kind of food allergy.

Good luck!

Random Thinker said...

Check out this site - you may find some ideas for relief:
http://www.gicare.com/pated/edtgs12.htm

Flirty Something said...

oh dear, that is not good. I think try some of the suggestions but really the doctor might be worth a visit.

Warrior Two said...

As a former vegan, I have heard that sulfur content can make things smell worse, so broccoli and cabbage are serious offenders. Although they are such good antioxidants, it's a shame to let them go.

Ginger just sounds nice in general.

belladona said...

I find too much fibre / fresh fruit and veg can make me flatulent. But ginger can help, I agree.

GreatSheElephant said...

You aren't going to like this suggestion, but remember that fortnight I spent on the very low carb diet (oddly enough, the only carb I ate in volume was cabbage)which you strongly disapproved of? No farting. None whatsoever. Now I'm back on carbs, it ain't pleasant any more but as I don't go out these days and the cats don't care, it doesn't matter.

If that's a bit too hardcore, trying replacing the wheat with things like rye. You sound like you're eating a lot of whole wheat and that is very wind producing.

Sassy Sundry said...

Your diet is giving you the farts, I'm afraid.

Congratulations on the job, even if you are working with a bunch of unoriginal dolts.

Billy said...

Rye always makes me fart. How noxious are these farts?

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Nator: Gax-X doesn't work (tried and tried and tried) and Beano isn't available here. I will be procuring it in large quanitites when I'm home in May. Also DairyAid. Aloe shots, eh? I don't really have an upset stomach, but I'll give anything a go.

R.Thinker: That's very helpful. Thank you!

Flirty: yeah, if only the doctors weren't so overworked. it takes forever to see one, and then if you're not dying they don't have time to deal with you. really. the NHS does the really traumatic, dangerous stuff well, but it's absolutly useless with non-life-threatening stuff. thus, it's a last resort.

GSE: wheat makes you fart? CARBS MAKE YOU FART??? I'M DOOMED!!!!! I live on carbs! I can't afford meat and I'm lactose intolerant. Agh! *hangs head and weeps*

Sassy: yep. and ta.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

billy: they're bad. really bad. like, suffocate-a-buffalo bad.

The Hopeless Romantic said...

Green tea always seems to be a cure for every thing going - so you could always try that.

Failing that. Try and keep your buttocks clenched, take up smoking and then disappear outside every fifteen minutes to really let rip!

Or, get yourself a guide dog, stick it under the desk and then blame the dog.

Hope that helps!

First Nations said...

you have some...buildup. it's time for a purge. rather than go the 'marin county' hose and a lie down route, just take one of those herbal purges..preferrably on a day you have nothing to do and can spend lots of time sitting on the can. that will take care of it guarenteed.

First Nations said...

ps..poor fishie! i had no idea fishes got crud.
how is the shmuggleware? i am working on his bio....

GreatSheElephant said...

in that case try avoiding carbs at breakfast, which will hold the farting off till bed time (lucky pirate).

Seriously, try replacing the wheat for a week and see whether it helps

hendrix said...

Everyone's already mentioned the things I was going to suggest (for the fish and for you!) and I agree with GSE re the wheat. It could be too that you're detoxing - how long since you cut out the red meat and dairy?.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

wow, it never ceases to amaze me how new of flautlence gets the comments flying. (you might give it a go, Herebe.)

FN: you know, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Couldn't hurt, might help.

And yes, fishies do, indeed, get ill. Ich is the worst diseas with the best name. I enjoy it when my pathogens pun -- makes the mortality go down a bit easier. Schmuggleware is fine. He is currently working on the eulogy.

GSE: I honestly don't know if it's possible, but I'll do what I can. I eat wheat at every meal: cereal for brekkie, bread at lunch, pasta at dinner... This is gonna be tough.

Hendrix: I havn't cut out either completely. I don't buy red meat, but i do tend to order it when the Pirate takes me out to dinner (for the very reason that i can't afford it). I eat red meat about twice a month, and that's how it's been since I came to bristol (a year and a half). As for the dairy, I don't eat cheese or icecream, but I do have milk on my cereal in the a.m. and in my tea. Again, though, I've been doing that for ages, and while it always makes me fart a bit, it can't be solely accountable for the recent hurricane-force winds.

llewtrah said...

Charcoal tablets for the flatulence. Available in Holland & Barrett, but makes your poo go greeny-black.

I had one of those "is there a drains problem" incidents once. I worked in a director's office and there was a private loo set aside for the staff of that office. I was in the middle of a windy period (IBS-related) and went in there regularly to vent the build up of gas. Someone called maintenance because they were sure the drains were backing up.

hendrix said...

Not too bad to give up wheat after the first few days (when you crave it like there's no tomorrow). Try swapping the milk on your cereal for goats milk or goats milk yoghurt too and drinking tea with lemon.

It might also be that as you aren't rowing so much now your systems got a bit snarled up.

Fennels really good for digestive problems too.

ZB said...

Green vegetables and greek yoghurt for healthy gut bacteria.

You're a rower. You're always digesting food and crapping. Flatulence is part of making a boat move fast.

Mr Farty said...

I managed to empty a large, busy office once after a night at Tex Mex. Might have been the chili nachos; either that or the chicken fajitas.

Oh, sorry, you want to *stop* farting? What kind of sick perv are you?

Seriously? Even though I can't stand cabbage and broccoli, I'm with W2. In this case, they're better in than oot (of the diet). I think it's the fresh fruit and veg that's causing it, but it's worth it for the vitamins.

Fart and be proud, and if anyone complains give them a clothes peg for their nose.

Toot toot!