Monday, June 02, 2008

12th (wo)man

I HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A SMALL, BLACK INSECT WHO SEDUCED ME BY CHIRPING!

I LOST MY CRICKET VIRGINITY YESTERDAY!

Actually, I got thrown in to one of the Pirate's games on Sunday. One of their men never showed up and they couldn't get hold of him, so they threw me some borrowed kit and let me play. The conversation at lunch went something like this:

Skipper: "Bob" still isn't here.

Another player: No big deal, we can field with 10 men. We've got so many runs they don't stand a chance anyway.

Pirate: CB will play. (Keep in mind this is not a mixed-sex league/team/game.)

Me: I will?

Skipper (to me): Oh? Are you a cricketer?

Me: Nope! Never played in my life, but I'll give it a go.

Skipper: Can you catch?

Me: Not really. I'm afraid of the ball. I can't run for beans either and I throw like a girl. I make no promises whatsoever about my capabilities, only my enthusiasm.

Skipper: Do you have any whites with you.

Me: Nope!

Skipper: Sounds good to me. You can field at off-stump.

Me: Okey-dokey then! Where's that?

So I was handed some spare kit from a chap who's a lot shorter and skinnier than I am and sent out to field wearing what looked like skin-tight, cream-colored capri-style yoga pants. The look was further enhanced by my hair being up in pigtails. It was no end of comedy, I tell you.

It was my first time ever on a cricket pitch and the first time a woman had ever played for the Stragglers.

It was a friendly match and didn't count toward any kind of league, and the Stragglers were so far up that even if I made several catastrophic screw-ups it still wouldn't affect the outcome of the game, so they were happy to humor me.

The ball only came towards me 3 times in the whole innings. Twice it was so far over my head only Inspector Gadget would have stood a chance of grabbing it, and the third time it came rolling past me, so I stopped it with my foot and lobbed it back to the catcher, thereby holding what would have been 4 runs to only 1. So that was good. The rest of the game I just stood there, terrified that the ball would come near me. My fear was in vain, however, as the Pirate was bowling and didn't give the poor bastards batting many opportunities to do anything other than defend the stumps.

So I was heartily congratulated all around for being such a good sport and had a great time playing England's noble game with my Pirate.

(Also when the Pirate took his first wicket I got to smack him on the ass in a manly, athletic manner, which was fun.)

8 comments:

ziggi said...

and was the match tea good?

FirstNations said...

tell me that there are pictures.
tell me that you will post them.

Dave said...

But you've been opening the batting for us for 3 weeks now.

Chaucer's Itch said...

zig: legendary.

FN: had there been pictures I would have posted them. alas, no one had a camera. maybe dave could paint a picture based on my description.

Dave: shhh! don't tell Pirate that! If word gets out that I'm already a good player people will start to have expectations!

ZB said...

You can field at off-stump.


Where the fuck is that? I know Cricket is full of arcane third man, fine leg, gully, point, chinese cutter, googly arcanisms and I thought I knew them all but field at offstump is a new one. Off stump is at off stump. That's why it's called off stump. Where you like a fine gully or a reverse square leg or what? Speak English.

Chaucer's Itch said...

Beats me. I made it up. I have no idea where the fuck I was standing. I just went where they told me. I could draw you a diagram maybe...?

ZB said...

Go on then.

Chaucer's Itch said...

oh for fuck's sake. fine, give me a minute.