Sunday, October 31, 2004

venting insecurities

first of all, MSU WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?!?!?!? You were up 17 points with 6:30 to go in the 4th quarter... and somehow you managed to lose!?!?! I was cheering for you incompetent fuckers the whole way but if your defense can't defend a 17 point deficit for 6 fucking minutes then you deserve every ounce of humiliation you get. for a while there you had me fantasizing about a MSU/Wisonsin Rose Bowl, and then you blew it to kingdom-fucking-come. christ, my old high school could have put up a better defense. go home, and darken not my television set again.

now, if you don't want to read about my whiney fucking feminine insecurities, i suggest you close the page now or go read some comics. i recommend http://www.ucomics.com/nonsequitur/. as for me, hey, it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to.

got an email today. i may be reading between the lines, but i don't think so. it seems that someone for whom i care tremendously is seeing someone else. now, we never had comitted relationship, and now i'm on another continent, so there's no cheating or anything sinister going on here. he's just moved on. i knew it would happen eventually, and in my brain i even wanted it to. we're friends, and i don't want him to compromise his own happiness by clinging to a phantom relationship from months ago. like apparently i am, judging by how bummed out i feel.

i'm upset partly by the glaring obviousness that this individual no longer has any feelings for me, but mostly from the perfect track record that this development perpetuates. as i said earlier, we were never in a committed relationship, and the reason for that is that he never felt as strongly about me as i did about him. him, and every other human for whom i've ever felt a romantic attachment. first there was miller, then came kevin, then several more people, and finally this latest one. never once, in my entire life, has anyone ever been in love with me. ever. i'm almost 26.

so today i'm crying because the huge potential that my beau and i had will now be forever unexplored, and i can add one more name to list of people who didn't/couldn't/wouldn't love me. so now i'm racking my brain (again) with the same old pointless questions, like...

What is it that every woman on the plant has that I am apparently lacking?
Am I really that ugly?
What's wrong with me?
Am I doing something wrong?
Are my expectations to high?
How is it that even the bitchiest, whiniest, ugliest, crassest, dumbest, most shallow Jerry Springer guests manage to get married, and I, a well-educated, thougthful, polite, reasonably attractive woman have never even had a boyfriend who likes me, even a little? Am I even more unappealing than those women? Why?

Clearly, I am at the very bottom of the global female totem pole, below female praying mantises, who manage to find mates despite the inevitable unpleasant side-effects. This whole mind-set is not aided by the daily emails I get from my future sister-in-law about her wedding plans (she wants me to feel included, bless her heart). My future sister-in-law, incidently, is short, fat, and boring. And she managed to shag and bag my brother, a tall, bright, funny guy with a great job who dresses well and cooks even better. WTF? Maybe if I cut my legs off at the knees, gained a hundred pounds, and ceased to converse about anything save the weather and computer technology I could find a man like my bro.

In reading this you are witnessing what is possibly the darkest part of my psyche: the insecure, self-loathing, fatalistic bit of my self-image that normally lurks inocuously in the sediment at the bottom of my brain; but like all predators, it is drawn to weakness, and nothing brings it to the surface faster than the sound of my heart cracking.

you would cry too, if it happened to you.

1 comment:

Just a Girl said...

I found your blog somehow...some link clicking I believe and have beeing lurking through your achives.

I know things have changed greatly from this post for you but boy do I recognize the sentiments. You've captured my thoughts much more succinctly that I've ever been able too.