Friday, December 31, 2004


I don't normally do this, but this year I have some very specific goals. They are as follows:

1. Regain dignity/financial independence,
2. Move back to England,
3. Get laid,
4. or die trying.

All those who wish to assist me in these endeavours may do so by either

a. Making a large, annonymous donation of cash,
b. Pursuade the British Consulate to let me change my citizenship,
c. or shag me senseless.

oh, and one more:
5. Have my conscience surgically removed.
True story: my aunt (the nun with the vow of poverty) gave me a very large cash gift to help me on my way to grad school. I don't have a local bank account (my bank is located in Texas), and not wanting to put $2000 in cash in the US mail, I gave the money to my dad to put in his account, so he could then write me a check which I could mail and deposit in mine. Simple, right? Apparently not. The teller at the bank somehow managed to count $3000, which my dad, who does not hear well, confirmed. I was not present at this transaction.

At 5:30 yesterday evening the bank was closed and the tellers were balancing their drawers. One came up $1000 short. She deduced it might be related to my father's deposit earlier in the day, and telephoned to confirm the amount. Again, not hearing well, he said she had the correct amount. Now there's an extra $1000 in my dad's account, and I could perfectly easily have him cut me a check for 3 G's. If I don't call the back to alert them to the error, I will have made and extra grand with no exertion whatsoever. The bank will eat the expense, and the dumb dolly probably won't even lose her job. Too damn tempting for words. God knows I need the $$$, and a thou is nothing to sneeze at. Goddamn conscience. I may be a grand richer than i was, but i'm still a million poorer than i deserve. Sadly, that's insufficient justification for keeping a pile of money which cannot in any way be called mine. So if anyone out there knows a good plastic surgeon, point him or her my way. I want my morality amputated so that the next time I get an illegel windfall I can keep it.

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