Miller was my first love. I've been in love with him since I was 12 years old, and though I accepted years ago that he would never feel quite the same about me, he is still dear to my heart and will always have a place to stay there. I saw him today for the first time in four and a half years.
I still had an old email address of his in my address book, and when I sent out the general "congratulate me i got into bristol" letter, it went to him as well. I had no idea he was still in my address book, nor had i any idea that account was still active, but lo and behold! his was the very first congratulatory reply i received. I immediately replied and we decided to meet for lunch.
The man who walked into the resturaunt bore little resemblance to the dark, sinewy boy of my memory, but his voice and manners hadn't changed. We began talking as though no time had past; none of that "oh you've changed so much!" shit. We just sat down and picked up with such ease you might think we'd left high school only last week. And though our lives since then couldn't have been more different, we are still of like minds and thoughts and sitting there with him was like finding a piece of myself that i'd lost in the cushions of the couch years ago. I knew it was there somewhere, I just couldn't quite put my hands on it.
In my life I have met 3 people with whom I have been able to connect intimately on both the emotional and intellectual planes - one at each stage of my education. Miller is one of those three; the first, and possibly most precious. I am shocked at myself for allowing so much time to pass without attempting to speak with him.
The bitter irony is, if I had got my wish (of many years ago) and he had asked me to marry him, I don't think we would get along now as well as we did this afternoon. Part of why we still mesh, still gel so well, is that we really admire and respect each other. And part of that admiration stems from our unique and individual personal accomplishments (Miller has an MBA and a law degree). If we had gotten married, we would not be the individual people we are today, and I think our relationship would be diminished as a result. That figures. English majors flock to bitter irony like flies to dogshit.
At the end of the day, I'm deeply pleased that Miller is once again a part of my life (I think he feels the same; Lord knows what his wife thinks!), and if we ever again endure a 5-year separation, it won't be out of laziness on my part.
1 comment:
Nah. I'd give up everything I achieved since losing Nice bum head fuck the second time around (4 years ago) to have us back as it was then. It's pain now. It was bliss then.
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