The cartoon is coming, i swear, but getting it up is a more involved process than you would think. In the meantime, here is a poem by a good friend of mine, Heather Mydosh. Heather is an English major at Lake Superior State University. I'm not giving her an alias on the website because she (justifiably) wants credit for the work. The poem is hilarious, and I almost peed myself laughing, but knowing her and the angst which generated this work is sobering. Here it is:
Lust on the Rocks with a Twist of Guilt
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Disclaimer - pg. i
Introduction: Knowing when to swallow your pride and your hemlock - pg. 1
Chapter 1: Happiness isn't all it's craced up to be - pg. 22
Section 1: Define 'Friend' - pg. 23
Section 2: Family: The Ultimate Anxiety - pg. 28
Section 3: Relations and Reasons Not to Have Them - pg. 33
Section 4: Solitude: Is Hermitage for You? - pg. 45
Section 5: Decisions and Reactions - pg. 50
Chapter 2: Sometimes It's Out of Your Hands - pg. 60
Section 1: Why God Thinks It's Funny To Make You Cry - pg. 62
Section 2: The Merits of Tearing Out Your Hair - pg. 74
Section 3: Things Are Not Going to Get Any Better - pg. 81
Section 4: Why Camels Hate Straws & You Hate Schedules - pg. 93
Section 5: Conclusive Reasons to Not Have Neighbors - pg. 101
Section 6: You Can't Change Them, So Leave Them - pg. 110
Section 7: Acceptance v. Denial: A Systematic Arguement - pg. 122
Chapter 3: A Call To Action! The Myths of Modern Society - pg. 131
Section 1: The Myth of Social Change - pg. 137
Section 2: The Myth of Equality - pg. 144
Section 3: The Myth of Idealism - pg. 153
Section 4: The Myths of Honesty and Integrity - pg. 159
Section 5: Reform, and Why People Feel the Need to Lie to Us - pg. 172
Chapter 4: Giving Up: A Guide - pg. 180
Section 1: Mastering the Art of Apathy - pg. 188
Section 2: The Merits of Non-Communication - pg. 197
Section 3: When To Let It Go - pg. 205
Section 4: Removal From Society - pg. 213
Section 5: The Fine Art of Wallowing - pg. 220
Section 6: Angst, Loathing, Contempt, and Justified Disgust - pg. 230
Chapter 5: The Only Thing Left To Do - pg. 239
Section 1: Choosing the Method That's Right For You - pg. 244
Section 2: Popular Bridges - pg. 256
Section 3: Building Driving: Helpful Hints - pg. 259
Section 4: Pick Your Poison! - pg. 266
Section 5: A Head in the Oven - pg. 272
Section 6: Pistols v. Shotguns: Which is Better? - pg. 279
Section 7: To the Head or To the Chest: Pros and Cons - pg. 288
Section 8: Slitting Writst: Step by Slice Instructions - pg. 291
Section 9: Hanging Dos and Don'ts - pg. 298
Section 10: The Merits of Carbon Monoxide - pg. 303
Section 11: Pills and Booze: A Tasty Combination - pg. 309
Section 12: Finding the Right Lake for You - pg. 313
Section 13: Self-Immolation: It's Not For Monks Anymore! - pg. 320
Section 14: A Shocking End: Electrocution Can Be Fun! - pg. 328
Section 15: Other Ideas and Miscellaneious Methods - pg. 337
Chapter 6: Odds And Ends - pg. 340
Section 1: Notes and Where To Leave Them - pg. 341
Section 2: The Last Will and Testament - pg. 349
Section 3: Funeral Details: Flower, Casket, and Donation Preferences - pg. 353
Section 4: Popular Gravemarkers - pg. 366
Section 5: Budgets and Projected Costs - pg. 374
Afterwords: Some Thoughts on the Afterlife - pg. 378
Glossary - pg. 380
Further Reading - pg. 400
I think this is one of the most creative things I've ever read. Naturally if it had been my idea I would have done a few things differently; but alas, it wasn't my idea. Don't feel that because the poet is a friend of mine that you have to leave nice comments or none at all. Please be as scathingly honest as I know you lot are. We're big girls - we can take it.
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