Just got this email from the illustrious Iain:
"I just wanted to say that it has been great getting to know you and spending some time with you. I know that you are very busy and have a full life and so I don’t want to waste any of your time. I wanted to tell you that I don’t feel it would be right for me for anything romantic to happen between us in the near future. That’s not to say that I don’t think you are a fantastic person and I have really enjoyed the time spent with you. Anyway, sorry, I feel like a bit of a twat saying this.
Maybe I am flattering myself thinking that was a possibility for us. I don’t know how you feel about this. If that is what you are looking for while you are in Bristol then I hope you find it."
Don't know what happened.
I thought it was going so well.
What did I do wrong?...
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
I can't help but feel right now that i was a fool to even hope. Who am i kidding? No one wants me. No one has ever wanted me. No one ever will.
So empty.
Going to die now.
7 comments:
Shit. I don't even know you but I still feel really bad for you. What a loser. Obviously doesn't know what he's missing.
This has turned into a long comment - sorry - go get the ice cream or a bottle of red and then read it!
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
OK CB. I could give you the whole "all men are bastards routine" but I'm not. It won't help you in the long run and it won't make you feel any better about what's just happened. Although I will just say that he got one bit right anyway - telling you by email means he is a bit of a (complete) twat (and a presumptous twat at that)
This doesn't mean that I'm not feeling for you right now though. It hurts...
OK. Now you get the benefit of old HC's advice (and believe me she's been blown out in more and worse ways than email - for example...being dumped (by phone)the morning after you sleep with a guy for the first time -and that's first time in every sense of the word)
First off. If you put yourself out into the dating arena, this is going to happen about 7 times out of 10. This is normal. The weight of expectation was probably higher in the first place because you met the guy through a dating agency but even if you'd met him in a pub or at a lecture or whatever then the chances are that it's going to end in disappointment.
Look at it logically. It has to end in disappointment 7 times out of 10 (the other 3 times are divided up into 2 that you will kick into touch and the final one will be the one that you do have a relationship with.. I know that it seems unfairly weighted but thats the way it seems to be)
As there is only "the one" once (at any given time - I've added that out of consideration of one of our other commenting discussions) then how are you going to know that this is the person that you feel something for unless you know what these feelings feel like? It's my old quote - you can't have the highs unless you have the lows (and I know this does sound very dismissive but I really don't mean it that way)
Second thing. You did nothing wrong. Stop with the self blame. Won't make you feel any better (and it's not attractive!)Get some good loud music on and get angry. Get to the gym or your rowing club or whatever and put yourself through a strenous workout and curse the motherF**** with every single bench press... Use the anger to get something productive out of how you feel right now. (my personal thing used to be cleaning the fridge with a toothbrush - to get into that plastic foldy bit on the door - man, I had the cleanest fridge of anyone I knew...)
Third thing. You're going to get righ t back out there and you're going to do it all again...and again... and again. You're going to date everyone who takes your fancy and a few that don't. You're going to have fun days out and you're going to have disasterous days out...Look on it as research. Like I said the chances of meeting someone you will have a relationship with in this way is minimal but you need to get back in the saddle as quickly as possible otherwise you're going to view this guy as god, the father and the son, liam neeson and vigo thingummy all rolled into one...
This is not the great unrequited love of your life. This is a guy you kinda liked but it just didn't click. You need to be out there to realise that men are people too (this is a really difficult concept cos I know they really aren't but you're doing lit so you must have some imagination....)
More to the point you need to not take any date that seriously. No relationship is serious until you're using their toothpaste and borrowing their undies at least 3 times a week...(there's also the honeymoon theory of relationships - which i personally subscribe to - which states that you won't even know a persons normal public persona - never mind thier irritating and annoying and downright unreasonable habits - until you've been dating at least 3 months)
Fourth point. Apart from these comments and what herebes said about you (all complimentary I might add) I don't know you. So I don't know how (apart from what you put here) you spend your time. But it doesn't sound like you have much fun. I know you have the rowing and that you enjoy that but I'm talking about getting dressed up and going out on the town with your mates sort of fun...
I don't know how the dating thing works in the US but here the way that you meet people is usually by clubbing and pubbing and generally putting yourself out there. The more people you know the more of their friends you will know and therefore the more chances that you will meet someone. YOu need to be meeting people with no expectations that it will turn into anything other than maybe a nice evening or a good snog or just a fun time. Start enjoying being a girl (could be worse - you could be a man)
For some reason (mostly from what Jgirl has said) this doesn't sound like the American Way. You guys seem to take it so much more seriously than we do in Britain. Almost as if you all have lists of qualities that need to be ticked off before you'll even consider a person. I think this is why all the Americans I know have such faith in dating agencies - as if by using them you somehow weed out the ones that won't match up. Love doesn't work like that. We all have a subconscious list of what we want in our significant other. Your brain will keep that list without you bothering about it and it will factor in the unknown, whether its animal magnetism, the x factor, whatever... Trust me on this (or more to the point - trust your instinct)
Fifth point. Men can smell "I want a boyfriend" at 10 miles...and they don't like it. They are perverse and unreasonable creatures who still don't realise that women know best and so they generally don't want you unless you don't want anything to do with them. My sucess with men (which was worse than dismal to say the least) went up a hundredfold once I took on board my nans advice of playing hard to get...(and I don't mean just in a sexual way)
Finally. Don't die. Don't feel empty and for godsake don't think that no-one has ever or will ever want you. That's bullshit. This is his loss - not yours. Do you really want to be around someone who can't see how fantastic you are? He has blown out the one chance in his life he will get to spend time with YOU. Stupid bugger!
I know it sounds trite but there are loads of people who you haven't met yet who will love you and want to be with you. All you have to do is find them. Now for a girl as courageous, intelligent and gorgeous as you (and you are all of those things I've seen your photos nevermind the starting life in a new country, jetting off to foreign lands to get better at something she's into, doing a PhD in a not exactly easy subject, standing infront of total strangers and lecturing on it to boot and even having the guts to join the agency in the first place and go off and meet a total stranger)this is not difficult. The law of averages states that most people (apart from the downright awkward) will find at least one partner during the course of their lives...so you have a given result anyway. You aren't facing the unknown. You just have to experiment a bit. You did a far harder thing when you got on the plane to come here for the first time.
Right. Lecture over. Sorry if it sounds harsh and matter of fact. Like I said at the beginning. I do care and I do know that how you feel right now sucks big time but I wanted to try to maybe give you something constructive to think about.
Now go clean the fridge!
Can I say the all men are bastards comments? Can I? Can I? Please?
Bearing in mind that, according to rumor anyway, you fall into the category of "man," um, go ahead.
course, i guess that makes you an expert.
oh believe me it does....
waht hendrix said, except I think 7 out of 10 is generous. My extensive research into the subject has led to posit the following: GSE's first law of putting it out there. Dating, especially when you use Internet dating, works the same as direct marketing i.e. a 0.5% success rate is all you can expect.
this statistical angle pleases me. it appeals to my scientific training and helps me maintain my academic objectivity.
i assume you have seen some reliable numbers on the success rate of direct marketing, hence the 0.5% figure. I also assume that this is a higher success rate than random, non-directed advertising (like billboards, etc.).
Given that, let's say that "getting yourself out there," ie, going to pubs, clubs, etc to meet potential mates is basically equivalent to random advertising. Makes sense, yes?
From the above, we can therefore conclude that such behavior has a less than 0.5% chance of being successful, ie, resulting in a happy relationship. Is this true? Seems awfully low to me. If that's the case I'm amazed anyone manages to get married at all. Or does that perhaps explain why so many marraiges fall apart, because the chances of meeting someone with whom you are truly compatible by random advertising are so slim that people are getting impatient and marrying the 'falilures,' as it were? There's food for thought. This is both very enlightening and very depressing.
Post a Comment