It's not so much the loss if Iain that has me so disappointed as the loss of what he represented; namely, hope.
It was a lot easier to get through my day to day life when I had no hope, when I had factually accepted that my life would be my own, that I would never have to ask someone else's opinion on what color i should paint a room, or what to eat, or where to vacation. It was much easier to go through life cheerfully bitter at half the human race, productively angry, but without the constant crushing doubt and disappointment.
For example, every day when I wake up, I am not sad that I didn't win the lottery. I never expected to. It's so utterly beyond the realm of possibility that there's no point in wasting emotional energy on hoping for it.
In the same way, I considered meeting someone who fancied me equally beyond the realm of shit that might one day conceivably happen. I think it's more likely a large meteor will colide with the earth and destroy 99.9% of life as we know it. And frankly at the moment that doesn't sound too bad.
I think the whole dating service thing was a bad idea. Sure, I met a couple cool guys, I had a few fun nights out, but ultimately, the disappointment isn't worth it. It got my hopes up you see. It had been years since I had had any real hope. And the hope of the dating service was artificial. (by the way HC, his profile said he was "looking for a serious relationship," so i don't think it was a committment issue. but who knows.) The hope is false, and it just makes it worse in the end.
The dissappointment isn't worth it.
The hope isn't worth it.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I just want to go back to being my cheerfully bitter self, hating men in general and a few in particlar and blaming them for not having been properly kissed until the ripe old age of 27. (Did i mention I found a couple wrinkles last week? I did. I thought the grey hair was bad, but now i have proper wrinkles too.) So I'm declaring myself a spinster and an old maid and saying to the world:
FUCK IT. It's not worth it. You're not worth it. I have work to do.
15 comments:
They always say that they're looking for a serious relationship when they join a dating agency because otherwise they'd have no chance with any woman. Very few girls are going to go for a guy who says "I'm not looking for anythign serious now" cos that usually translates as "I'm just looking for a quick screw and then I'll dump you"
You're right. Give up on hope. (yes I've really just told you that!) Make your life the way you want it. Do everything and anything you want to do.
I will bet you double or quits the stake we've got on Geli versus your hamster (btw what did you name your hamster?)that as soon as you do, that special person will turn up. I'm speaking from experince here. Between the ages of 16 and 23 I was dumped 47 times (i kept a list!) and then spent 2 years in a relationship that made me desperately unhappy to the point of insanity. I had decided that I'd spend the rest of my life feeling like shit - that I'd never be with someone who made me feel special (and to cap it I thought I couldn't walk out of the relationship I was in because after all I'd chosen to move in with the guy and if you make your bed you gotta lie in it) Nearly as soon as I'd accepted that this was the way it was going to be for the rest of my life...F walked into my sitting room.
This isn't meant to sound patronising but 27 is still really young - even if it doesn't feel like you are. And, I'd hazard a guess that you didn't go through a lot of this stuff in your teens and early 20's so you're sort of making up for it now. Knowing this isn't going to make you feel any better but I'll remind you of these blogs on the day that you post that you're moving in with... and you will smile over them then Cold comfort right now I know but you will. Honest.
Oh bugger CB. Look after you, will you? Don't give up on feeling...it's a barometer of how much you do have to give someone. And remember that there are a lot of people out here who do really care about you...even if we haven't met you...Yet
btw. I'm not stalking your blog - I've taken the past 2 days off work as I've got nervous exhaustion and I'm too knackered to do anything but surf the net...
it was only after i'd made the same decision that i finally ended up with a life i was happy with, and even that sucked ass at first. anyway, you are on the right track. as for bitterness, go right ahead. i'm pissed too, and i'm an ocean away.
oddly, the stainless steel amazon had an EERILY SIMILAR EXPERIENCE very recently with a service...hers was a 67lb independent film maker. riiiiiiiight. nutless simp. internet dating is Gods gift to scardeynerd anime worshipping gamer boys with low testosterone. makes 'em feel like playas.
you amazingly dear sweet kind thoughtful woman. you are welcome to stalk my blog anytime. i never cease to be stunned by the generosity of your wishes for some pathetic lonely amercian slob you've never even met. (yet :-)
it's always a bit hard to swallow kind reassurance and support from someone who has found mutal love, but i will try.
And though i sometimes think you're full of beans, you're definately right about one thing: i didn't do a lot of this sort of thing in my teens or early twenties. in fact, i didn't do any. i'd never tasted alchol til i was 21, never went to a party til i was in grad school, had one bf my first year at uni (but we've already established he didn't count), and i'd never even kissed a man til last month. LAST MONTH. (no, never kissed the bf. he didn't want to. i thought it meant i was ugly.) so if i'm behaving like a whiney adolescent 14-year-old and overreacting to stupid shit and giving WAY too much credit to men in general and iain in particular and getting too emotionally invested too soon in the process, it's because despite all my other worldly experiences in this context i am just a scared adolescent trying to understand why boys don't like me and crying (yet again) becuase no one asked me to dance.
and, um, are YOU ok? nervous exhaustion? that doesn't sound good. this is a bit lame, but if there's anything, anything at all that i can do...
IThanks CB. Offer really appreciated. It's been my own stupid fault. Ever since Christmas works been going mental and I've been working later and later just to keep it all going...ends up gettig me so wired I don't sleep at all and when I don't sleep I get paranoid about losing my job because I'm taking too long and having to finish stuff after hours and then it gets to be a bit of vicious circle and then I get really narky and then I tend to flake out. I just needed a couple of days to laze around, take long baths and have a few good cries... loads better today. I don't look like a don;t do drugs poster anymore (i washed my hair for the first time in a week!) and those red lines have gone from across my pupils...which is good as now I don't scare the man in the shop downstairs (herebe if you read this you've already lectured me...and I've taken it on board and I'll get it sorted. I will honest)
Little lecture to you though CB. You mustn't put yourself down or be self deprecating about yourself - even in jest! Herebe's therapist told him that and it makes sense (she makes so much sense that I'm rapidly changing my opinions on the whole therapy thing). So no more of the pathetic lonely american slob bit...In any case I'm always at the other end of an email or phone line (open invite to get either from herebe should you wish)
If you're bf didn't kiss you then there was something wrong with him - not you! And FN is right. The dating agency thing throws up some weird men. Jgirl met some very strange people through her agency...I thought I was unshockable but there are some very weird and not so wonderful men out there...(but there are some good ones too)
You aren't behaving like an adolescent and you aren't whining...These things don't get any easier the older you are or the more they happen to you - you just recognise them more readily and know that you will (eventually) come out of the other side. Doesn't stop the hurt though.
Full of beans I'm definitely not. And my teenage years weren't that great (I had 2 friends in school and the rest of the 6th form were actively involved in a hate campaign against me). I wish I knew then what I know now about the way life turns out...but you never do. Only difference is that I loved rock music and I loved to get glammed up and go out on the town and I thought that having someone to love me would make life a bit more bearable so I started a bit younger than you... Full of beans is getting up at 5 in the morning because you love to row!
that's awful! i'm glad you're taking care of yourself now. *long-d hug*
Herebe's therapist is reasonable? gives good advice? and HE LISTENS?!?! holy shit. wow. cool. but i thought self-deprication was, like, a national past time here...?
i know the prob was with the bf. it took me a while to figure that out, but i do know it now, no question. he's a non-entity now. i only resurrect him periodically to illustrate just how little experience i have in matters of love.
this doesn't get any easier!?!?!?! JESUS EFFING CHRIST!!! why did you tell me that? i thought that if i kept on keepin on that i would eventually get hardened to this sort of thing. *grumbles* well that's inspiring.
i think everyone's teenage years pretty well sucked. someday i'll tell you about getting beaten up, spat on, and sexually harassed every day for 12 years in catholic school because i was a pro-choice democrat. good times.
beans = 5am starts. fair point that.
ah no. you want to hear the punchline? and its a good one, dolly...when I was young, thin, and looked like a brunette bernadette peters all i attracted were the lame, the halt, the uninterested and the dangerously psychotic. now that I am fat, forty- five, married for almost 20 years, menopausal, greying, wrinkled, and have thinning hair, I GET PLAY. maybe i smell like food or something; i don't know what the hell it is.
i met my present husband while i was in the middle of a screaming fight with my landlord. as i had completely given up on men, relationships and couplehood i was wearing contrasting razored t-shirts, safety pinned leggins, a tall flock of seagulls fauxhawk, heavy black eyeliner and raspberry lipstick. I was barefoot. I had the stainless steel amazon on my hip. my first words to husband to be were 'hi. get out of my way.' as i shoved past him to follow my landlord into his apartment, where he locked himself in the bathroom while i stood outside and threatened him through the door.
you just never know when cupid will fire his little bow and arrow, darling.
YOU GET UP AT 5AM TO ROW??????
erm, yeah. is that not normal?
normal? hell, it's ideal!
i get up at 5am to pee. sometimes.
You win some, you lose some, and that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Or something.
Do you think I'd be the well-adjusted merry spinster I am today without getting dumped a few times along the way?
It's good to have some righteous anger.
The last comments are absolutely dead right When you don't want it, have stopped looking for it and quite frankly can't be bothered with it is when men start to get interested.
Righteous anger is not only good - it should be made obligatory! The amount you can get achieve with the soundtrack of righteous cursing is incredible.
btw FN - that sounds like the coolest outfit. No wonder he was smitten
And yes CB. Getting up at 5am is not what I'd consider normal but then I hate getting up in the morning...(the afternoon is a much more civilised time to rise)Still if you like doing it. Me, I tried rowing a few years ago. No problems with the technique, thoroughly enjoyed it but for 2 things...1. Being so close to and staring down into the water gave me vertigo - which is weird cos I never get it on the boat in France and I'm a good swimmer. and 2. I realised that God had created outboard motors...
*in Emperor's voice* "Your hate has made you powerful"
Call me Darth Bitch, grampaw, I've joined the Dark Side!
Men suck. Life will be much simpler when we don't have to mate to have babies. All we have to do is press a button.
I'll join you in your giving-up-men thing. Fuck 'em. No more treading on this bitches heart. I'm gonna stomp their nuts...
2 wrinkles does not make a spinster, and there is nothing wrong with getting your hopes up, it is what life is about. Do you want to stay at home and do the knitting or go out and have fun?
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