Monday, March 20, 2006

How to make Monday not suck*: a 12-step program

As with so many things, the key to a perfect Monday is preparation. One must begin with an exceptional Sunday evening. For my tastes, I like to begin any memorable experience with memorable food. Thus, having someone cook you an AMAZING dinner is a suitable way to commence your preparatory Sunday evening. I recommend a "cuzza," or curry meal, including homemade** popadums and mango chutney, pilau rice, chicken in some kind of yummy, korma-esqe sauce, and chickpea battered and fried chicken. It is advisable at this point to consume large quantities of very nice wine which you didn't have to purchase.

Step 2: Following your meal (served to you and which you do not have to clean up, despite your sincere offers of service), crash out in front of the telly and watch stunning nature programmes on BBC. Relax while the evening's chef gently massages your head and neck for an entire hour during said nature programme. Periodically emit soft moans of pleasure. This has the dual function of a) encouraging the masseur to continue his activities, and b) inspiring the masseur's flatmate to flee the room and leave you two the hell alone.

Step 3: When the programme ends, state that everything else on telly is rubbish and it's too late to start a movie so you might as well go to bed. Yawn for effect. Trot cheerfully after masseuse, who was in the bedroom before you reached the end of the previous sentence. Discretely brush teeth with own toothbrush smuggled carefully in handbag. One mustn't give the impression that one fully expected to spend the night, no matter how fully one expected to spend the night. (It looks cheap.)

Step 4: Strip casually but seductively down to lacy, periwinkle blue nickers in front of audience of one. Turn off light.

Step 5: (------------------------ edited for graphic content --------------------------------)

Step 6: Enquire with bemeusement and mild embarassment, "Do you think Flamate heard that?" Blush appropriately at response, "I think a few Tibetan gurus heard that. You've definately confused the hell out of some seismologists in California."

Have a pee and a drink of water. Do NOT step in juicy condoms (yes plural) on floor before getting back in bed. Snuggle up and sleep the sleep of the innocent.

Congratulations! You've now completed your preparatory Sunday evening to set the stage for the perfect monday morning.



Monday

Step 7: Wake up feeling warm and drowsy. Make note of breath of man on your neck. Wiggle bum in appreciation. Make note of male bum-wiggle response. Decide that man is awake; roll over and greet. Note that despite vigorous Sunday preparatory activites, man has awakened in traditional male state of, erm, readiness.

Step 8: repeat step 5.

Step 9: Catch breath. Suggest shower is required. Agree that water shortage is serious conservation issue world-wide, and make shower a group effort (strictly for environmental purposes of course). (---------------------------------- edited for graphic content -------------------------------) Towel each other off, still giggling hysterically.

Step 10: Get dressed, smile coyly over tea and toast. Grudgingly admit that it is time for work, and peel yourselves off one another. Take no note of suddenly wrinkled and mussed clothing.

Step 11: Walk home, looking (and feeling) obnoxiously smug.

Step 12: Read text on mobile from man which states: "Words fail me." Write obnoxious, tell-all blog.



*note ironic word choice

**all culinary items listed are completely homemade but it would be annoying and redundant to repeat the employ of the adjective in the description of each one

8 comments:

GreatSheElephant said...

I read right to the end of this in the expectation that I was going to get a recipe for home made poppadums. Pfff.

Spinsterella said...

Yeah, I was thinking "homemade poppadums - life's too short".

Anyhow CB, this was an unbearably smug post (expecially to an embittered lonely spinster like myself) but I'll let you away with it for the time being - I figure you've waited long enough...

First Nations said...

wooooooooooooooooonderful!
right ON, cb. once you cut loose you get right to work, don't you!

hendrix said...

dead proud of you CB! :)

No Shit Sherlock said...

I echo Spinsterelly. But also I say 'Maw, fetch Esme! Ahm fetchin' me a curry making Hairy!' *click of tranquillisers into slots* Heh heh heh. Week from hell, prepare to end...

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Yeah, it really was a hideously smug post, but i figured the universe owes me one. Don't worry, though; i won't inflict such horrible drivel on you again for a while. Time to resume the usual pattern of bitching about slacker rowers, beaurocrats, and the weather.

ZB said...

More than I needed to know but I couldn't not read. Sex, ain't it great?

G said...

Why is this not in the self help section of Barnes & Noble or any other book seller I say! Little bitch tell all. Funny stuff.