Tuesday, May 30, 2006

DOs and DON'Ts of comforting weeping females

  • tell her you're too busy to offer a shoulder and ask her to come back when it's more convenient for you
  • say anything remotely resembling "There's no point in crying, it won't acheive anything."
  • tell her that the reason she is crying is her fault
  • interrupt her semicoherent rablings with questions
  • offer advice unless it's requested
  • point out that she is dripping on your favourite shirt
  • hold her. hold her tightly until she indicates she is ok by gently pushing you away.
  • put the kettle on.
  • settle her on the sofa with a hot cuppa while you proceed to fix a hot, nourishing meal. (sobbing takes a lot out of one.)
  • proceed to tell her all the things you love and admire about her while she is eating her meal.
  • help her get out of her sweaty, stinky, damp, sticky, snotty clothes and stick her in a hot shower.
  • remove the t-shirt she snotted and drooled on, throw it on the pile of her manky clothes, and join her in the shower.
  • give her that little seratonin rush she loves so much in the best way you know how.
  • dry her off with a warm, fluffy towel (when she's got her breath back).
  • give her some your own clean clothes to put on.
  • feed her chocolate.

If you have any further questions regarding the best way to offer consolation to a weeping female, contact the Hairy Man, who is an expert on the subject, as he so ably demonstrated this weekend.


Liisa said...

These instructions should be sent to every person who lives in a relationship with a woman! It's almost perfect. This only point I would change: a beer instead of chocolate.

Tim Footman said...

Funnily enough, I was in the convenience store just this morning, and I saw a young lady in evident distress, sobbing near the biscuits.

I followed your advice to the letter. She was a little startled, but seemed to go along with it, right up until I started removing her clothes. When I suggested she should take a shower, and I'd join her shortly, she kicked me in the crotch and called the police. She didn't want any chocolate, which is fortnate, because that's all I've got to eat down here.

I'd like to ask for Hairy Man's advice in this situation. I hope he's as good a lawyer as he is a shag.

ZB said...

You've got the do and don't titles mixed up. Apart from that, perfect.