Thanks all for your comments. Feel free to keep 'em coming (pun intended) if there's anything further you wish to add.
I had so many responses to your comments I decided to do it in a new post, rather than a 500-word comment that you may or may not ever notice. So here goes:
HR: He doesn't drink beer. (Anymore.)
Billy: How do I do vulnerable and bossy? Hold a whip over him and simper about my feelings? Filthy mouth I can do - I always did like the taste of dirt.
HC: Tried asking him a couple times but he is incapable of verbal communication. He is not, however, a football fan. Hates football in fact. He did a course at uni on modern tribal societies and football hooliganism. V fascinating!
TF: soulmate - check
shoulders, 2 - check
best friend - check
laughs - check
big, firm tits - oh, balls.
suction - check
FN: you goddamn fucking genius. how did the world ever survive before you came into it?
Sal: Actually, that's exactly what i'm trying to. I'm not worried about what he thinks of me, I just want to be able to give him as much pleasure and joy as he gives me. The mechanics of how to go about doing that, however, are a bit foggy.
empathy - check
OH MY DOG! A BOOK WRITTEN BY A MAN ABOUT HOW TO PLEASE MEN!!! Well i'll be schnookered. Ordered. I'll be sure to share the jucier bits with you all!