Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Shaving Hairy

At Frobisher's request I'm putting up one final photo of me and His Hairyness. This was taken at St. David's cathedral in Wales on our first camping trip. (You can't see them, but we're both wearing bum bags - proper tourists!) That was such a great trip. We talked about the holiday in France, about him coming to spend Christmas with my family in the States, about future camping trips we were planning. I can't believe how much has changed since then. It was only 3 weeks ago, but it seems ages and ages already. *sigh*

This is the last post I'm going to write about the Hairy Man. In a pathetic and blatantly infantile attepmt to find some closure so I can stop feeling like a piece of decomposing cockroach crap for dumping him out of the blue, I am now going to write all the things that bugged me about our relationship. These are all tiny, insignificant, niggly things that never bothered me individually, but taken in conjunction are useful for convincing myself that the relationship was doomed, would never go anywhere, and was bound to end sooner or later, therefore better was sooner. (Which is just a verbose way of saying what you all have been saying in the comments for days now anyway.) So here goes:

1. To the best of my knowledge, he never told his parents about me. Granted his parents are shits and he has little contact with them. Well, he has no contact with his father, but he does phone his mother now and again, and he mails her a postcard whenever he goes someplace, even if it's just camping for a weekend. I was sitting in the living room with him once while he was on the phone with his mum, and he was describing his plans for the day and never once mentioned that I exist or was part of those plans. When he would send a postcard from our camping excursions he would tell me to read them before he put them in the post, and there was never any mention of me. Now, if you were on holiday with a woman that you'd been seeing regularly for over 3 months, wouldn't you at least mention her name in a postcard? That's what I thought, too. Call me crazy but I get a bit paranoid when people won't admit to knowing me.

2. He wouldn't talk about his feeleings. Ever. Even on the rare occasion when I would ask. He never once told me how he felt about me, or named a single personal quality of mine that he liked or valued. (Well, not quite true. He did once say that I had "a very slappable ass." But I like having my ass slapped, so this was not insulting.) I can count the compliments he paid me on one hand. I didn't pay much attention to this either because all his actions toward me were very kind and generous, so I just dismissed it as him not being one of those verbal people. But I'm a verbal person, so it annoyed me.

3. He wouldn't come over to my place for dinner. Only once, our third date, which concluded with our first shag. After that he wouldn't eat dinner here. I could never figure out if it was my cooking or my flat that he disliked (he wouldn't say), but I love cooking for people and it really hurt my feelings that he always preferred to go out.

4. He wore really really stoopid shoes. Sketchers, with big poofy tongues, that he wore with the laces really loose and the tongues sticking out, like some 17 year old skate rat. Grow up. Buy some real man shoes. I dismissed this as unimportant because in the grand scheme of things, shoes are unimportant. (Though I suspect Hendrix-Cat will strenuously disagree with this stance. :-)

5. He was the biggest pain in the ass while shopping ever. Even for things that he genuinely wanted AND needed. We would go downtown or to the mall, try a few stores, compare a few items, he would find exactly what he wanted, and then... NOT BUY IT. For no reason. Just didn't feel like it. !?!?!? I never did figure this behavior out. He blamed it on being a Libra. Apparently that justifies his chronic indecisiveness. (You can tell I'm really groping for things to complain about, can't you?)

6. He didn't like to kiss me. He said I slobbered too much. I countered that just meant that I needed more practice, but he remained unconvinced. In just two dates I spent more time kissing the Pirate than I have kissing every other man I ever kissed - combined. He's yet to find ought to complain about. So there.

7. He didn't like the way Bluto smelled. I think Bluto smells exaclty the way a hamster should. But then, His Hairyness did genuinely have a very sensitive nose, and I know that I have a relatively insensitive nose, so it's very possible he actually was smelling things there that I was unable to detect. But still, it's bad form to insult someone's pet. Am I wrong? (We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now!)

8. He didn't like my underwear. Well I'm sorry but considering that before I met Hairy it had been 8 years since a male viewed my underwear, my knickers drawer was stocked with comfortable cotton bikini pants, not scary hot pink glossy plastic g-string thingys that cost a fortune and are uncomfortable for more than 30 seconds at a stretch. I did purchase some lace French knickers in a variety of colors as well as a couple pairs of some really skimpy things that ride up my ass (and frankly i don't think look very sexy, but they are from the Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Panties collection and i figured they know more about these things than I do), but he wanted me to wear them all the time. He always teased me if I ever wore my comfy old cotton ones, and said that undressing a woman should be like opening a christmas present. Well, i told him you can't have christmas every day or it just wouldn't be special anymore, but I'm pretty sure he didn't believe me.

9. He complained if I didn't shave my legs or armpits. Personally, I'm of the mind that if God/nature/the universe saw fit to put hair under my arms who am i to argue? I am an advocate of looking one's personal best and keeping up good hygeine and all that, but the shaving thing has nothing to do with hygeine and little to do with looks. It's purely an artifical cultural contrivance created by the men who controlled the fashion industry in the 1940s and 50s to infantilize women. It's creepy. The onset of body hair happens at puberty. Remove the body hair and you are effectivley re-creating a pre-pubescent body, which put in a sexual context smacks of paedophilia. Until I started seeing Hairy I hadn't shaved in about 6 years, and I was very happy this way. But he said he liked smooth legs etc, and I figured it was a small thing that I could do to please him, and not an outrageous request given the current popular opinions on such matters, and so I went along with it. But I drew the line at the short and curlys. Those puppies are staying put, and I flat out refused to cave on that one no matter how much he hinted.

Jesus, was I a complete doormat and totally unaware of it? This really makes it sound like a rubbish relationship, doesn't it? How very therapeutic! I'm beginning to wonder what i ever saw in him. Keep in mind that if all this stuff annoyed me, and yet I still really liked him and had a lot of fun with him and found him to be a very generous and kind person overall that the list of things I liked about him would be a lot longer than 8 items and it would be about much more important stuff. But if I write that list I'll start crying again and the whole point of this excercise was to make me feel better. Which it has. Job done.


Loganoc said...

Oooh, point 6 is a bad one. I'd hate that. I think it's a really important measure of a relationship if both halves enjoy the kissing. Sometimes two peoples kissing styles just don't go together.. and it means you shouldnt be together. Simple as that.

As for point 9... well.. I thought you americans were so keen on being smooooooth all over. When we went on a school trip to the USA (age circa 14) we were all told to shave armpits n legs so they wouldn't think we germans were barbarians. Got kind of used to it I guess.

MJ said...

Number 6! That's all you need to know.

I'll take any opportunity to quote Cher so here goes. Sing along with me to The Shoop Shoop Song ...

Does he love me I wanna know
How can I tell if he loves me so
Is it in his eyes?
Oh no you'll be deceived
Is it in his eyes?
Oh no he'll make believe
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Or is it in his face?
Oh no it's just his charms
In his warm embrace?
Oh no that's just his arms
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is
Woah It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Woah hug him and squeeze him tight
Find out what you want to know
If it's love if it really is
It's there in his kiss
How 'bout the way he acts?
Oh no that's not the way
And you're not listnin' to all I said
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is
Woah It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Babs said...

# 6 cracked me up. Reminded me of a time long ago, in a galaxy far far far away. I was *ahem* making out with ex-asshole # 2 (yes, yes, I know. There goes my saintly image) when all of a sudden, he breaks away and says 'Oh my god!! You kiss like a guy!!'

I looked at him and said And you know this how?!?!'

Needless to say he shut up, recommenced said snogging, and never complained again.

Tim Footman said...

You weren't a doormat. You just chose to make a number of compromises to please him, to keep the relationship going. Now, because you don't want the relationship, those compromises seem ridiculous.

Small Boo and I have been together 12 years, and we still do things that annoy each other, and we still tolerate and compromise, because it's worth the effort.

That said, I agree with everyone else, number 6 is just peculiar...

Spinsterella said...

Oh, I'm glad you posted this. I had thought that Hairy was pretty perfect - but now, he seems like a bit of a twat.

Apart from no. 5. (I do that too, I hate shopping).

Chaucer's Bitch said...

he wasn't a twat, really. you'll notice that most of these things aren't faults as such, they're just preferences which in our case were incompatible. He is an incredibly nice guy, and if you're a woman who:
-doesn't give a toss about meeting his folks
-doesn't like to cook
-likes sketchers
-hates shopping
-doesn't slobber when she kisses (as i apparently do)
-doesn't have pets
-wears sexy underwear, and
-shaves things
then he's incredibly easy to get along with, thoughtful, hard-working, laid-back, reasonably sensitive, a good cook, and rediculously generous. i just need a man who doesn't care if i don't shave and wear cottong pants.

actually, spin, i've been doing some thinking, and though we've never met, from what i've read on your blog, i think you and the Hairy Man might get on really well.

frobisher said...

I feel sorry for Hairy Man - chucked away like a used Kleenex to make way for new shag. I shall answer a few points:-
Perhaps his parents are always trying to marry him off? either that or he is ashamed to admit he's hetrosexual to them.
Hates shopping? I have been to Cribbs Causeway and I don't blame him.
Perhaps he likes to go out to eat 'cause he's proud to be seen with you.
I'm being silly here - let's see a pic of him instead :)

Chaucer's Bitch said...

It's not that he won't go shopping; that i could understand. it's that he'll go, spend all afternoon searching, find what he wants, and then NOT buy it. So he has to go back another time. Argh!

I feel sorry for him, too. He really did deserve better than the way I left him. I'll put up one final photo, as a farewell or memorial or something.

Spinsterella said...

I don't know about that - I don't think he'd be too keen on my knicker collection either.

Timorous Beastie said...

I was determined not to comment on the whole Hairy/Pirate debacle, but, horrible pants aside, anyone who says "undressing a woman should be like unwrapping a Christmas present" needs to be shot in the front bottom. And that's before we start on his hairdo...

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Hey now, let's play nice -- i LOVE his hairdo. (But thanks for the support, TB.)

oh, and MJ: spot on. Cher is the bearer of all wisdom. (And, I confess, after the first time the Pirate kissed me, that song did in fact begin playing in my head, and I felt I believed it for the first time.)

hendrix said...

Yeah number 6 is the killer as far as I'm concerned. Loganoc (and everyone else) is dead right - if your kissing styles don't go together then the relationship is doomed.

And the "unwrapping a christmas present..." remark objectifies women. Bloody hell now he's making me make feminist sounding remarks. You're well shot of him.

Don't worry, H will one day find a sketcher loving, shopping hating, nonslobbering, anti-family, smooth shaven, g-string wearing girl with a pet allergy and they'll be wildly happy together. It just wasn't you.

PS. and yes. I would have taken strong issue with number 4. In the scheme of things shoes are incredibly important. They don't have to be latest fashion, they don't even have to be polished to a high shine (although never covered in mud or smelly please) but if they have laces for gods sake fasten them!

Hannah said...

Hmm. I have major issues with the underwear and the shaving things. Do what makes you happy: if that's comfortable pants, then it's comfortable pants. If it's cheesewire knickers, then good for you.

And the kissing thing is just rude. And shoes ARE important. They say a lot about a person (mine say I buy too many shoes).

The Pirate sounds like a much better option.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Yes, but that's because I havn't known him long enough to discover what his quirks and foibles are. He must have some somewhere, mustn't he?

GreatSheElephant said...

1, 6 and 9 would bother the hell out of me. I feel much better about all this now.

Maybe 3 was a function of 7? If he really disliked hamster smell or had some kind of allergy it would make eating less of a pleasure.

First Nations said...

ok. i linkaged you as one half of my latest 'post' of which ms. hendrixcat is the other part. i wanted people to backread you for a few entries because i was so proud of the way you handled yourself in all this. should i have asked permission? i never thought to; i just acted on impulse after i read you guyses entires.
holy crap. am i in trouble?
im still so proud of you i could bust, my darling.
and ew, the not telling the parents and the shaving thing...ew ew ew ew...you dodged a bullet.

First Nations said...

'you guyses'
i am so from oregon.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Wha?! You're not in trouble! What on earth! No, i just meant that after reading my diatribe about all the things Hairy did that bugged me you might not think I was as mature as you were giving me credit for! I'm really touched that you linked me and were so impressed with me this past week. I'm not terribly impressed with myself, but I don't exactly have an objective perspective on all this. All y'all have been so wonderful and supportive, you can't imagine! ("All y'all." I'm SO from the Midwest!)

Billy said...

"He always teased me if I ever wore my comfy old cotton ones, and said that undressing a woman should be like opening a christmas present"

That may be the case, but surely the pants are the wrapping paper not the present itself? And if you've got a wonderful gift do you really care about the paper which just gets chucked on the floor?

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Billy, bless you. Your comment took my breath away. It's so obvious, so simple and SO TRUE, and yet the thought never crossed my mind. xxx

Billy said...

CB, thank you. It's easy to come up with these kind of replies when they're not directed at you.

Hope everything goes ok.

hendrix said...

mine either.

B said...

Personally I think 2 is by far the worst in that list. Be it girlfriend or boyfriend they must be prepared to talk about their feelings. Number 1 doesn't surprise me. I doubt if Hairy man really trusts his parents. Generally 1 would be bad but in Hairy's case I'm not so sure. 6 Would really piss me off personally. Others on the list are just preferences. It really annoys me when a girlfriend of mine is too afraid to be frank about their feelings. It may seem like a good idea at the time but later on (sometimes much later on) it'll turn out to have been a bad move. The problem essentially is "How can I act to make my loved one happy if she doesn't tell me when I upset her." And although there some things that you can guess would make a lady unhappy most things that do are particular to the lady in question.

Sal said...

you may be interested to know that Bluto is shopping around for a new partner too.

krusty the baker said...

Oh, this shaving business, really, what's it all about? Why can't women look like women? If you don't want to do it, don't feel obliged.

Kissing? "He didn't like to kiss me." You're well rid. Kissing is so fantastic.

Underwear? Again, your business. I can't put it better than Billy, but knickers are hardly bad breath, are they? "I don't really fancy you, love, 'cause your knickers don't look like a wank-mag."

That's a pretty solid list, all in all. And shoes do matter.