Monday, October 23, 2006

Bittersweet

Today I was lying on my bed, thinking about the Pirate. (I won't tell you what I was doing other than thinking; that's not important right now.) I was remembering things we'd done together, and feeling really happy at the prospect of seeing him again. (30 days!!!)

And then something happened.

You know that song, "You are my sunshine, etc..." I've always hated that song. There's a line that goes "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I could not find you, so I hung my head and I cried." It was kind of like that.

I thinking about him, smiling to myself, and then a memory leapt to my mind so suddenly and with such intensity that for a split second I thought it was real. I remembered the feel of his hair on my hands; the hair at the top of his neck when he is sweaty and it sticks together in little clumps, tiny dewdrops of sweat dangling from the end of each piece. And the immediate split second following I realized that it wasn't real, it wasn't happening, I was just remembering. This obvious truth hit me with such ferocity that broke down and wept, and am still crying as I type this.

And I don't know what makes me sadder: knowing that it will be another month (at least) before I see him again and get to re-live that memory, or knowing that after his return at some point he will have to leave again, and the next time it happens he could be gone for a year or more.

10 comments:

undercovercookie said...

I don't envy you at ALL. It;s one thing to find true love but to have to endure the seperation. My love will be going away for a year next summer and just thinking about makes me weak. But just think: only 30 days and he'll bei n your arms for real. Hang in there

Michael said...

Boy, I felt that. Powerful post.

TOM said...

Don't worry, 30 days compared with my 6 years waiting won't be long:)

This is what you have to endure for love. Bittersweet, I love this title.

ZB said...

Armed forces widow...

In the best sense of the word

homo escapeons said...

Ah geez... that was sad.
You are so lucky to have found someone that you love...it is awful having to wait...it does envelope your entire being.
I don't have any other platitudes to offer so why not get crazy and dream up some surprise for him... send him something special..a little reminder of you.

Anonymous said...

Your post reminded me of the sadness I just had to deal with.

I cant stand the long distance. I decided to break it off. But I often wonder.

Tell me, Is it worth it?

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Cookie: you have my sympathy, truly.

Michael: thanks.

Tom: you are a shining example for us all.

ZB: god forbid. my worst nightmare.

Homo: done and done. I sent him a giant, 9-page letter that was a copy of my diary entry after our first night together. And i (finally!) bought some sexy knickers for his glorious return. :-)

Cmdr M: Yeah, he's worth it. But every situation is different. There's no doubt in my mind that staying together is the right thing for both the Pirate and I, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for every couple. Good luck with everything. x

treespotter said...

i've been cursed with long distance relationships all my life.

that's a nice way to describe it.

Annie Rhiannon said...

I can really empathise with you. I like that you're writing about this.

patroclus said...

I can empathise too. I'm about to go through all this again, and I'm *so* not looking forward to it. I haven't had a long-distance relationship since I was 20, and it isn't nice, but it's definitely worth persevering if it's the right person. Hang in there CB.