Today I was lying on my bed, thinking about the Pirate. (I won't tell you what I was doing other than thinking; that's not important right now.) I was remembering things we'd done together, and feeling really happy at the prospect of seeing him again. (30 days!!!)
And then something happened.
You know that song, "You are my sunshine, etc..." I've always hated that song. There's a line that goes "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I could not find you, so I hung my head and I cried." It was kind of like that.
I thinking about him, smiling to myself, and then a memory leapt to my mind so suddenly and with such intensity that for a split second I thought it was real. I remembered the feel of his hair on my hands; the hair at the top of his neck when he is sweaty and it sticks together in little clumps, tiny dewdrops of sweat dangling from the end of each piece. And the immediate split second following I realized that it wasn't real, it wasn't happening, I was just remembering. This obvious truth hit me with such ferocity that broke down and wept, and am still crying as I type this.
And I don't know what makes me sadder: knowing that it will be another month (at least) before I see him again and get to re-live that memory, or knowing that after his return at some point he will have to leave again, and the next time it happens he could be gone for a year or more.