Monday, May 28, 2007

Pirates of the Carribean: At Sequel's End*

Saw "Pirates" on Friday. It's long.

Very long.

Almost 3 hours long.

And when you consider that the movie didn't begin until after more than 30 minutes of commercials and previews, and that it takes 20 minutes to drive to the theatre (and back), plus time for standing in line for tickets and then again for snax, you're looking at -- conservatively -- giving 4 and a half hours of your life to this endeavour. (I wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer actually watches the movies he makes? I bet he doesn't have to wait in line for snax. I bet he cuts to the front.)

It's also wierd.

Very wierd.

Very, very wierd. Which is why I liked it.

All three 'Pirates' movies did very different things. The first one was your basic, Disney, action/adventure swashbuckling flick (although not as good as The Three Musketeers). The second one was a spoof of pretty much every other movie ever made. This one got way more into the supernatural. It made the boundaries between this world and the next more fluid. It was (a bit) more pshycological. It even tried to have emotional/psycological angst between Kiera Nightly and Orlando Bloom. (Here's a tip, kids: stick to looking cute. Neither of you could act your way out of a wet paper bag.)

That's not to say it proffered any great philosophical viewpoints, but I will give it this: there were parts of it that were really, genuinely original and creative. Stuff that made you think where the fuck did they come up with that??? And of course Jonny Depp is still the King of Entrances. Him and Miss Piggy. Ruling monachs of campy cinema over-the-top theatricality. I confess there were parts that actually had me stamping my feet and squealing with delight, like when (warning: tiny tiny insignificant spoiler approaching) he appears on the screen at the helm of a ship that is sailing on dry land. It was just so damn cool on so many levels.

And there were a couple really memorable lines.

But that was about it. It had superb elements: quotable lines, wierd and creative imagery, and camp theatricality, Keith Richards being The King of Asss-kicking Cool, but there was little more. Plot-wise it managed to move quite swiftly throught its 2 hour and 48 minute running time, and it managed to do it without me even once looking at my watch to see how much film remained, but I can't actually remember much of the plot. It was fairly forgettable. There were good guys and bad guys (who swapped roles a few times), there were disguises and sword fights and shipwrecks and the annoying guy with the wooden eyeball, but most of the film was pretty ho-hum once the buzz of the Dolby surround sound system died from your ears and in the cold light of morning you actually tried to recall what about the previous night's adventures had been so great, even though you're sure you were having fun at the time.

So I guess my verdict is this: it's worth seeing on the big screen because some of the imagery was really spectacular and would truly lose something on TV, but wait a month until the crowds have died down, there aren't as many commercials at the beginning, and take your own junk food. I'm giving it 3 sticky Junior Mints and an unpopped kernel.

*we hope


Flirty Something said...

under no circumstances go until children's bedtime has passed. whatever hope you have of sitting through 3 hours an 8yr old will be busy crying of kicking your chair for the last hour.

Dave said...

I don't think I'll bother, thanks.

The Hopeless Romantic said...

Thanks for the review.

Still not sure whether I'll go, mainly because my poor back and bottom does the reviewing for me - and anything beyond 2 and half hours tends to make them go numb.

I don't know what it is like in the states, but the UK has still got a lot to learn about comfy seating in cinemas.

And don't get me started on those giant bladder defying drink cups!

Chaucer's Bitch said...

FS: if only that were possible. people let their children stay up all hours nowadays, don't they? crazy.

Dave: you won't be missing much. 'Star Wars' it ain't.

HR: i dehydrated myself for 10 hours just so I'd be able to watch it w/o having to pee. I made it!

Annie Rhiannon said...

Yes they do! I'm SURE I remember my bedtime being 6 o'clock, although that seems completely ridick now.

Anyway, did you dress up?

Mangonel said...

Nearly three hours of Chow Yun Fat! I can't wait!

ZB said...

The first one was your basic, Disney, action/adventure swashbuckling flick (although not as good as The Three Musketeers)...

Which was itself nowhere near as good as the book.

The first POTC was fun, a blast, a giggle and Johnny Depp was sheer genius. Who cares if the plot had holes in it big enough to sail the Flying Dutchman through. It was a romp in the tradition of Captain Blood and that's a fine tradition to be in.

The Second one was oh so evidently trying to set things up for the third one and was convulted and boring. Although JD was stunning. As ever. He's always watchable.

I haven't seen the third and at the moment I don't want to. There are franchises and franchises but I stopped caring midway through POTC 2 when K I can't act K indulged in some knockabout farce while the men fought over the booty on the beach. O B can't act either (which is why he worked as Legless - his vacancy could be interpreted as Elvishness beyond the ken of mortal men). Frankly, Jack Davenport would have been better and he's only ever been good as miles from This Life.

Give Terry monty python bod the cash and let him make Don Quixote with Johnny Depp. Now, that would be worth watching.

GreatSheElephant said...

hang on - Chow Yun Fat is in it? Now that makes things very different. Oh yes.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

AR: i did wear a blouse with poofy sleeves that the Pirate said was "very piratey" the first time he saw it, so i wore it to the flick. But i left the parrot at home.

Mango: actually, it's about 10 minutes of Chow Yun Fat and 3 hours of Oralando Bloom being wooden and Kiera Nightly pouting.

ZB: "which was nowhere near as good as the book." True, dat.

I never would have thought of it, but you're right, Don Quixote with JD would be fucking brilliant!

GSE: only for 10 minutes, and they uglied him up with makeup. If you want a CYF fest go rent Anna and the King and Bullet Proof Monk. You'll be much happier.

homo escapeons said...

I will go and see it because A. Movies are free for us and B I want to see Keif.
The second Pirates was terrible but who cares, Lawrence of Arabia it ain't, it's Jerry Frickin' Bruckheimer!
I have avoided all of the duds this summer, Spidey 3, Shrek 3, but I need to see Keif and that is that.
Rambo 4 and Die Hard 4 will make upe for all of them.