Tuesday, July 31, 2007

10 authors

who should be bludgeoned about the head and shoulders until dead. even if they already are.

(a mememememe from First Nations)

1. John Gower (late 14th C), for being a self-righteous, moralizing cunt AND for being it in the most pedantic rhyming verse ever penned. His rhymes and meter are perfect. Never a dropped syllable, ever. Reading the Confession Amantis is like being hypnotized by the world's most arrogant metronome.

2. JK Rowling, for turning Harry Potter into the fucking messiah and making the whole thing another fucking Christian allegory. And for killing Fred Weasley.

3. Whoever wrote "Cheaper By The Dozen." I don't know who you are. We've never met. And I don't even remember the book. What I do remember is my mom yelling at me 4 times a week for 10 years to read the fucking thing. I managed to get through 3 chapters before I couldn't stand another word. The book itself probably wasn't that loathesome, but I can feel nothing but hatred for the author who penned the book my mom used as a torture device for the better part of a decade.

4. Aldous Huxley. Sort of. First time I read Brave New World I hated it. Second time I decided it might not completely suck. Third time I loved it. I guess Huxley is one of those writers who grows on you. Like mildew.

5. Ann Rice. The literary equivaltent of a 12-year-old wearing lipstick and high heels. She tries so hard to sound grown-up and sophisticated, but it's clearly an act.

6. Hemmingway. There's minamalist, and then there's half-finished. Hemmingway is the literary equivalent of the Eiffel Tower. Everyone says how great it is in public because that's what you're supposed to say and it's sacriligious to suggest otherwise, but ask someone in private and they'll admit it looks like the builders ran out of money min-construction. Hemmingway writes girders.

7. All Hollywood screen writers and sitcom writers.

8. Virginia Wolfe. Get over yourself.

9. All postmodernists. All of them.

and finally...

10. All copywriters and editors who can't punctuate correctly. Mere death is insufficient.


Hannah said...

I totally missed JK's Christian analogising. But then she's pinched so much from everywhere else, I guess a little from CS Lewis, etc, is to be expected.

But I'm with you on poor punctuation. The sign in a shop in Edinburgh: "shoe,s" appalls me every time.

Liz said...

Psst - only one 'm' in Hemingway. (I'm one of those editors who *can* punctuate, and I absolutely agree with your last point...but then again, if all copywriters could punctuate, I'd have a lot less work.)

Alan said...

James Joyce for filling my head with bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk!

ziggi said...

what about Lupin and Tonks? How could she kill them off and leave Teddy? boo hoo

llewtrah said...

Rowling isn't too bad, but she's had to fend off the Christians (who think wizard stories = satanic rites) so maybe the Christian allegory helps defuse that a bit.

I liked Brave New World, but I like speculative fiction (the new brand name for sci fi and fantasy).

Ann Rice's erotic stories are fun. The first vampire ones were okay, but she's now milking it for all she (and it) is worth and churning out crap.

Hemingway? You mean it's okay to dislike him? I thought I was the only one in the world who doesn't like his works.

So, is it a case of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?! (okay - overrated authoress)

hendrix said...

I like Hemingway but then I like the Eiffel Tower too.
I agree with you re Ann Rice, Virginia Wolfe and JK Rowling though - does that make it better?

Vicus Scurra said...

whateverthehellhisnameis who wrote da vinci arse.

Dubliner said...

I love Hem. Chauvinistic, drunken hunter.

He writes about finishing a story in a smoky cafe as if he has just made love, sits back and drinks a half carafe of the dry white wine they serve and a half dozen Portugaises.

Ah I can taste the salty metallic taste

ZB said...

8. Virginia Wolfe. Get over yourself.

She's dead. Tricky one.

re - hemmingway. Surely only one M? Which means that you'll be first against the wall with the others who can't spell or punctuate?

(I mean, I'll be there obviously. My inability with the apostrophe is legend)

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Hannah; most of my friends missed it, too, but they were raised in non-religious homes and most don't even know the basics of the NT story, which cracks me up endlessly.

Liz: i never said anything about spelling!

Alan: i've yet to get around to doing JJ. will one of these years. maybe.

Ziggi: i'm more pissed that Harry and Ginny didn't raise Teddy, since Harry was his godfather. He never should have been left with his grandmother. bah.

Llewtra: AR wrote one cathartic piece as a way to unload the emotiional baggage of the death of her daughter, and it was completely crap and got published. after that she got drunk on her success (metaphorically speaking). but that's just how i feel.

HC: at least you'e consistent!

Dubliner: chauvanism can occassionally be sexy and attractive. i give you exhibit A: James Bond.

zb: first of all, as i pointed out earlier, i never said ought about spelling. secondly, i make a distiction between informal writing (such as blogs and emails) and formal writing for which people are being paid to be correct. so there! Pbpbpbpbtpbtp! *sticks tongue out*

First Nations said...

i am merely gratified that you remembered i tagged ya.

(no geoffrey of monmouth?)

Chaucer's Bitch said...

nah, geoff was entertaining if nothing else.

homo escapeons said...

My Word!
Frank Bunker Gilbreth is your perp...you can have fun with that name by moving the letters around.

Quite frankly I bow to your superior knowledge of literary matters but isn't it true that there are only 3 basic storylines with all others being modifications?

Rowling had a little DaVinci code of her own going on but I cracked it. Anyone even vaguely familiar with the NT knows that the middle initial in Jesus H. Christ stands for HARRY!

ZB said...

nah, geoff was entertaining if nothing else.

Really? Have we been reading the same Historia Regum Britanniae?

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