Friday, July 20, 2007

It's coming, I swear

I'm so sorry, guys. I know I've been rubbish about posting lately. I've been so busy i havn't had time to fart, never mind anything else. I havn't forgotten about you, though, and I still love you all.

Here's the past week in summary, titled "Why the Pirate is a Complete and Utter Muppet"

1. Last week he said "Let's go see Chicago at the Hippodrome." I said "Ok" and asked him what night he wanted to go. "Friday," he declared. Fine. I bought tickets for last Friday. On Thursday I emailed HIM to ask about his cricket schedule for the weekend, and he said "I'm playing in Aldershot on Friday."

???

I wrote back and reminded him about Chicago, and asked how he planned to finish a cricket match at 7 pm, shower, change, and drive 2 hours back to Bristol in time for a 7:30 curtain.

"Shite shite shite shite shite shite" was the response.

As it happens he left the match early (was all through batting), drove 100 mph, and got here at 8 o'clock. He missed the Cell Block Tango, but saw everything after that.

Wally.

2. Sunday Pirate had no cricket, owing to the rain. He's been saying for ages that he wanted to go to John Lewis and buy the biggests, softest, fluffiest feather pillows money could buy, so I suggested we spend the afternoon at the mall. Sadly the auto show and the rain meant that there were double the crowds and half the parking spaces of normal. After salivating over the Aston Martins we made it into John Lewis, who were, rather serendipitously, having a pillow sale. I shit you not.

After a salesladay gave us a thorough introduction to the finer points of pillow purchasing, Pirate decided to get one of the crazy expensive ones that normally go for £70 but were marked down to £35.

Did you notice that? Yes, ONE pillow. ONE.

I have spent every single weekend at his house for the past year (minus only the 3 months last fall when he was overseas on business). And he buys ONE pillow.

Putz.

So I said, rather tactfully, that maybe I should buy one of the cheap ones (since I can't afford to blow £35 on a pillow, even if I thought that was a good idea) so that I would have someplace to lay my head when I stayed over. I thought this would clue him in to the fact that he really needed to buy 2 pillows. Did it fuck.

He said, "that's a good idea." And so there I was having to buy my own fucking pillow so I'd have something to sleep on when I go over to his place.

I can't describe to you my level of annoyance, or my surprise at the breadth of his cluelessness. I asked my dad, that automatic handy-dispenser of wisdom, if I was over reacting. "Yes and no," he said. "His head was in the up and locked position, but men are like that so there's no point getting upset about it. It's like shouting at the rain." *sigh*


3. Yesterday he was returning on the train from London to his home near Chippenham. He rang me from the train and said "Damnit, I must have slept through my stop. We're coming in to Bristol Parkway and I don't remember going through Chippenham at all."

We figured out later that's because there are 2 routes from London to Bristol. The one that terminates at Temple Meads goes through Chippenham. He got on the other one, that terminates at Parkway and misses Chippenham completely.

Dufus.

4. In order to get to Chippenham he had to go on to Temple Meads and connect there to the other line. So as long as he was in town he came round for dinner. Which was nice, as I had slow-roasted a beef brisket in red wine and garlic for the last 4 hours, and it was smelling goooooood.

I met him at the station, and smiled at the sight of him, all dooded up in his brand new made-to-measure blue pin-striped suit. Day-am! There's hot and there's hot. That man can wear a suit. Oh yes.

He opens the jacket to put his ticket away, and discovers that the weight of his enormous wallet (which was probably full of pound coins for parking meters) had pulled the lining right out of the jacket, and there were 2 huge holes in it. It was the first time he'd worn it.


The man is on a roll, really.

I'll be gone for the weekend. Have a good one, and I'll see what I can do about posting the lurid bits of the Summer Ball next week. Don't get sunburnt! :-D

14 comments:

ziggi said...

a mall? in Bristol?
Really?
I think you should hit him with the pillow - put a brick in it first tho!

First Nations said...

yup.
yup, yup yup.
I could write a miniseries.
my fave is when they start babbling cluelessly and you nudge them under the table so they don't keep on shoving that foot down the ol' esophagus and they look at you all astonished and yelp' WHUDJA KICK ME FOR?'

one weeps.

ZB said...

So I said, rather tactfully, that maybe I should buy one of the cheap ones (since I can't afford to blow £35 on a pillow, even if I thought that was a good idea) so that I would have someplace to lay my head when I stayed over. I thought this would clue him in to the fact that he really needed to buy 2 pillows. Did it fuck.


And you're surprised. For an intelligent woman, you're thicker than pigpoo sometimes.

Easily Aroused said...

With regards to (2), your father was wrong. What he ought to have said was, "...but *some* men are like that." There are some of us who like to think that we maintain a pretty high level of astuteness, especially with the women in our lives.

You refer to your friend as the pirate. Having read this post, I can't help but conclude that there's an unnecessary 'i' and 'e' in his pen name...

~EA

hendrix said...

No. you weren't over reacting. You under reacted...Me, I would have created such a scene in John Lewis's that he'd have suffocated himself with the aforementioned pillow (Or possibly I'd have suffocated him with the pillow. Then and there).

But I have to ask this - is it only me who thinks it's weird to buy one pillow at a time anyway?

Geosomin said...

No surprise about the pillows.
My luv and I jsut did the pillow splurge ourselves...mostly as I'd put in extra time at work and had always wanted to splurge on an uberpillow. Being kind I said I'd get him one too (it hadn't occured to him to get him one too).
Luv moped about being in the store with all the people, not wanting to bother with picking them and said whatever you'd like is fine I'm sure. So I wandered about here and there hugging pillows and picked out what I thought was biggest fluffiest medium pillow. I slept like a queen last night...and today after work I am stoppingby the store and returning his for a softer one.
*sigh*
Wimp. :)

Frobisher said...

Err . . . does he read this blog?

undercovercookie said...

I was telling my other half about this blog and the pillow story, which led to a long discussion on men's minds being in the up and locked position. It impressed on his mind so much that later today, while he was browsing through outdoor equipment catalogues (and drooling over tents) looking for things to spend his recent bonus on, he asked me whether I needed anything campingwise and suggested I get a new, longer, thicker thermarest mat (to the tune of £75!) I didn't think I needed one but the one I have IS too short and not quite warm enough. He eventually talked me into it and returned to his catalogue with a "there's your pillow". I didn;t get what he meant until he added "it's a metaphor"

Don't underestimate the influence of your blog. Mentioning that one little anecdote of yours has my chap on his best behaviour and on full alert for numpty-ish behaviour now. I even got a £75 thermarest out of the incident!

GreatSheElephant said...

dude...

Have you discussed the pillow incident with the Pirate since? I'd want to be very certain that it came from him being a doofus rather than his view of how the relationship is going.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

ziggi: what's so unusual about a mall in bristol?

FN: havn't had the pleausre of that one yet, but i'm sure it's just a matter of time.

ZB: I'm thicker than pigpoo? You wanna elaborate on that a bit, buddy?

EA: hi, and welcome. nice of you to drop by. I'm sorry this was the first post you've read about the Pirate, because it's the first one where I've really whined about him. In the year that we've been together for every one, gormeless, idiotic thing he's done, he's done a thousand wonderful, beautiful, tender, thoughtful, generous things that show he really is "with it" (as the kids say) and generally paying attention. this cluster of idiocies in such a short time is a freak coincidence. Click "Pirate" on labels bar and read some of the back posts for more detail if you fancy.

HC: no, you're not wierd. buying one pillow is bizarre in any circumstance. i even pointed that out to the Pirate when the saleslady said they only had two of that model pillow left on sale. When he picked up one the first tactic i tried was to tell him that the store would be annoyed because no one ever buys just one pillow. He was surprised by this information.

geosomin: i always get firm ones because every (feather) pillow softens with time, so you get more life out of them if you start with stiffer stuffer.

frobi: i've told him he's welcome to but he has no interest. i don't think he's reading it w/o telling me; he's not that kind of deceitful person. he doesn't have internet at home, and is too busy at work to bother. it's possible he's reading it, but unlikely, and i'm not bothered if he is. i don't write anything here that he doesn't already know. his only request is that i keep it totally anonymous and make sure his name doesn't appear anywhere, for security purposes.

UCC: influence? wow. who knew. i'm glad some small good (other than just giving me a place to vent) has come of this.

GSE: yes, i have. quite casually, because i don't want to blow it out of proportion, and in a very matter-of-fact kind of way. i didn't want to get all emotional or weepy or throw hysterics or anything. and he said that upon further reflection he had indeed been a bit gormless. i really don't think it's indicative of the relationship. he hasn't been distant or withdrawn from me in any way, and in a couple ways this past weekend was much more intimated (not in a physical way) than usual. and we're planning a holiday in scotland (our first holiday) in august, which was his idea. so no, i don't think he was trying to hint anything. i really do think he was just being a bit of dipshit for a few moments.

Lorna said...

Maybe it's some sort of karmic balance thing - for every wonderful act there has to be an opposing bit of doofusness? The other day I had heatstroke due to the insane temperatures over here, and YM cared solicitously for me for hours: cold flannels on head, bottles of water, cool baths run, that sort of thing. However, before he starts sounding like a paragon of virtue, I should point out that this is balanced by his occasional crapness about small things at home. The time he offered (for the first and so far only time in the new home) to make me a cup of tea is a case in point. After 15 tealess minutes, I came into the kitchen to find a teabag floating in a cup of cooling, rather stewed tanniny liquid. No milk, no nothing. 'I thought if I got it this far you could do the rest yourself' he said, apparently perversely proud of his achievement.

Let's hear that smut!

llewtrah said...

Isn't that why he has you? To compensate for his doofusness?

Mr Farty said...

Let's examine the evidence...

Clearly capable of time travel.
A terrific bowler.
Not too good at human relationships.
Can travel from London to Bristol without going through Chippenham.
Looks hot in a pin-stripe suit.

You're dating Dr Who, right?

Chaucer's Bitch said...

lorna: fortunately karmic ration of thoughtfullness:doofusness doesn't appear to be 1:1. I'd say at the moment it's about 300:1, and I can live with that. (Not only does he make tea, he went out and bought some herbal teas for me to keep in his kitchen because I don't drink caffeine in the evening. 2 points!)

llewtrah: isn't that why women exist in the first place, to compensate for the doofusness of mankind?

farty: i don't have a telly and i've never seen dr. who, but that's probably just as well so i don't clue in to his secret identity. i won't let on that you tipped me off. ;-p