I know that the grass is always greener blah blah blah. Human nature includes an insatiable desire for that which is beyond reach. We all do it. That whole fruit of the forbidden tree thing. It's been haunting us for eons. It's why twenty percent of the Ten Commandments are devoted to telling you that you are not allowed to want things you can't have, namely your neighbor's wife and house. And it's why we as a species are such great inventors. We are never satisfied with our lot, and we constantly seek to improve it through the acquisition of shit we think we'll never get, like cooked meat, indoor plumbing, and flight. We didn't invent aircraft to improve commerce and transportation. We invented aircraft because we thought it couldn't be done. (And of course to kill each other. Lots of inventions come down to neat and creative ways to kill each other, but lets leave that aside for the time being.)
For the sake of arguement, lets assume for one minute that we all accept the theorem that human nature is to want what it can't have. There's evidence enough. But here's my question: Is the converse true? Is it a corrollary to the theorem that we Don't want what we Can have, for the very reason that it is readily available? When we look into the pantry for a snack and experience the inevitable disappointment (because nothing in the pantry ever looks good), do we instantly undesire the items present simply because they are there? Here's another example: you're sitting in a pub. A not ugly person approaches you and says, quite plainly, "Hi. I think you're really attractive, and I'd like to know you better. Can I buy you a drink?" What's your first reaction? A) You think "score! a not ugly person is attracted to me and wishes to make my better acquaintance. This is my lucky night!" and accept the offer. B) You think "It's a free drink, why not?" and accept the offer. or C) You consciously think "Creep, stop talking to me" and decline the offer because you are subconsciously thinking "this is way too easy. where's the challenge? where's the conquest? the adventure? anyone who wants me that badly can't be worth having. there must be something wrong with him/her."
I'm taking a poll because I'm really interested in this phenomenon. It has recently occured to me to consider the possiblity that I've been going wrong with men all these years because I am straightforward and direct. When I am interested in a man, I just say so. I think this has either been scaring them off or turning them off. Regardless, the strategy has failed. The problem is, I don't see a viable alternative. The only other possiblity is to be coy and play hard to get, but this to me borders on the dark edge of the mindgames/headfucks realm. And I don't play mind games. Ever. So what's a forthright, asertive, not ugly gal like me to do? It seem I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Cast your votes in the comments. The question is:
Do you think it is human nature to automatically not want/disregard that which you know you can easily have purely because it is available to you? Yes or No and Why, please.
4 comments:
incredible. i got 8 comments on M.E. this morning, and not one of them was an answer to the poll. Come on! Someone must have an opinion on this!
I’m sure the reason why you haven’t had a comment yet is that fact that it’s not a question you can answer with only a yes or no – even if you put in your reasons. I got half way through a comment earlier this morning and then realised that I’d need to think about it for a while first.
So, here goes… When I was single, my answer to the guy in the bar would have been A (but only if I’d felt that spark when he spoke/looked at me). I also never had any problem about walking up to a guy in a bar and speaking to him. This was severely frowned upon by the majority of females that I knew because it was against the unwritten code of accepted “girly” behaviour to an extent that would (if I weren’t made of sterner stuff with a great belief in the mantra “fuck you”) have seen me in therapy ever since. Saying that, I never had a lasting relationship either from a man that chatted me up (apart from once and he turned out to be a psycho) or from a man that I chatted up (although I have some very fond memories)
I actually suspect that you answered your own question in C. "this is way too easy. where's the challenge? where's the conquest? the adventure? anyone who wants me that badly can't be worth having. there must be something wrong with him/her."
I would suggest (and my experiences would support this) that we have a basic instinct towards playing the mating game. The problem (as I see it) is that when it comes to relationships, humans have disassociated themselves from the fundamental reason for a relationship in the first place - procreation. Even if we decide that we don’t want/aren’t going to procreate – the instinct towards that is strong enough to get two people together in the first place. Most animals have some sort of courtship period. It doesn’t necessarily drag on for the months that humans can often take but there are certain elaborate rituals, whether nest building, shaking tail feathers and the like that have to be undergone before mating can take place. It may be triggered by the female’s physical readiness to bear young but it’s usually the male who makes the first move. I think that this is why most guys are scared off by a woman approaching them. We’re blithely jumping over our primitive programming and assuming the masculine role which leaves them room to go ….where?
Lump all that with the psychological, emotional and social paraphernalia that makes up our psyches and you’re in real trouble. No matter how emancipated a man is and though it pains me to have to admit this (even to myself) I do believe that (most) men are not only terrified by a woman approaching them but on another level they think that it means that we’re desperate. And desperation is never attractive. It’s your c answer in reverse. There’s also the (and oh how I hate it)subconscious belief (which I think is perpetuated by women and not men) that any women who makes the first move is a slut and if we approach them then how many other men have we approached in the same way. Somehow that should work the other way too but it doesn’t.
I can only relate this answer to my own experiences but I’m sure the reason F and I have lasted so long (and these days 9 years is a long time – especially when you don’t have children) was that we got to know each other as friends before anything else happened. It didn’t stop me fancying the pants off him from the first time I met him but because of our situations we weren’t able to do anything about it. But while we were being “just good friends” we did play the mating game and we did go through the courtship rituals, the glances, the private jokes, the shared thoughts. Throughout that time I did play more of a traditional woman’s role in the situation than I may otherwise have done because the situation was not one where I rush in like a bull in a china shop and tell him how I felt. But then neither could he. Did we want each other more because the situation we were in meant that we couldn’t have each other? No, I don’t think so. Like I said I knew from the start that he was the one I was meant to be with. It was a very different feeling from either the obsessive infatuated “hit” or from the “I’d like to get to know you better” type of start to the relationship. I just knew and from what he’s said to me – so did he. But we’d each experienced the other feelings before and knew that this was different.
My final answer. We need the chase to give us time to get to know each other. If we get things too easily then we don’t have that time. There is a middle ground between being scarily straightforward and playing mind games and manipulating people. Just be yourself – but not all at once. Don’t lie. But you don’t have to blurt everything out on the third date. Accept that you are with another person with feelings and hang ups at least as big as yours and go slow. At the ripe old age of 24, I’d completely given up on ever experiencing true love. I thought what I had was as good as it got and believe me, if that were the case then as good as it got was incredibly bad - emotionally, physically and mentally. And then F (literally) walked into my living room and I never had to be with him anything other than who I was. It’s incredibly liberating. My friend Jgirl had been alone for nearly 9 years, then out of the blue at 34 met someone, who loved her for her, who accepted all her hang ups, crazy ways and idiosyncrasies – she got married last October and they’re blissfully happy. At the risk of sounding like a complete smug know-it-all I’ll say that love, relationships, partnerships call it what you will tend to happen when you least expect them, often when its incredibly inconvenient to you and without you trying. All the questions of whether you should be straightforward, manipulative, a trapeze artist, whatever, fade into insignificance then because when it’s the right person it all seems to take care and align itself into making it happen.
Ok there you go – not expressed as well as I’d like, much too long and no doubt everyone will disagree but at least it’s a comment.
Thank, HC. I really appreciate the time and thought you put into that answer.
Any more takers?
You always get kicked in the nuts. Even when the person doing the kicking doesn't realise they've just pinged you in the balls, they always do. Sometimes they deny it, sometimes they enjoy it, sometimes it's their defence mechanism to hurt someone to protect themselves but in general, it always ends badly and you always get kicked in the nuts.
Post a Comment