1. whats the scariest movie you've ever seen?
I hate scary movies. They scare me. I avoid them like the plague. I have, on occasion, been suckered into watching one by people who have sworon up and down and on the bible, "It's not scary at all, I swear! It's funny!" I HATE THESE PEOPLE.
The scariest movies that have been unfairly inflicted on me are:
- The teen flick where the dude fingers the girl on the roller coaster. That bit was good. The bit where he cut off her dog's head and stuffed it through the doggy door was less cool. I had nightmares for weeks afterward.
- The one where the babysitter is getting creepy phone calls and the police trace the calls and they're coming from an old line in the attic. HE'S IN THE HOUSE!!! Argh! I couldn't answer the phone for weeks afterward. It was after watching that movie that I stopped speaking to the girls who tricked me into watching it becuase they thought it would be funny to terrify me. TERROR IS NOT FUNNY. EVER.
- The Sixth Sense. Wally and Vi swore it wasn't scary. They said what a good film it was. At least they didn't taunt my fear. Vi felt really bad. She let me sleep in bed with her for the next month after. I coudn't get the image of the kid with half his head blown off outta mine.
2. what was your favorite halloween costume as a child?
When I was a kid we had to make all our own costumes. Never once had a store-bought one. Those were for losers. I did some doozies, too. The black cat was quite cool, as was the Ct. Dracula one. (I always had to be something scary. Cute costumes were for losers, too. Defeats the point of Halloween.) Orkash, the dark elf, wasn't bad either (except everyone thought I was Robin Hood.) But the best one of all time had to be.... the Blob. I kid you not. I melted green crayons into a pot of Vaseline, donned a garbage bag, and poured the green slime all over myself. Fucking. Genius.
3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this halloween?
Xena, Warrior Princess. I've got the legs, the arms, the shoulders, the 'tude. Just not the budget for the boob job. Man I wish I had Lawless's tits, to own or just to fondle. I could be happy with either.
(tree elf, Halloween '04. Dig the ears. and the sparkly hair.)
4. when was the last time you went trick or treating?
When I was 12 at a boy/girl Halloween party. Turns out I was only invited because the host girl's parents made her invite me. When we went trick-or-treating the rest of the kids ditched me and ran off. I hope someone smashed all their pumpkins. Little shits.
5. What's your favorite halloween candy?
6. recount a scary nightmare you had
I began having this recurring nightmare when i was about 5 or 6. I was sitting in my bed at night, and my mom was sitting in the rocker in my room, rocking quietly with her back to the window. A pair of rubbery, green, Gumby-esque hands reached into the window and snapped the shade up. Mom turned to pull the shade down again, but the hands were gone. I told her what I saw, but she didn't believe me. A moment later, the hands reappeared and snapped the shade up. When mom turned, they were gone again. Again, I told her what happened. This happened several more times until mom got tired of me telling fibs and left. then the hands reached into the window and the arms grew longer and longer and longer as the hands reached out for me, but no body ever appeared. i got out of bed and ran downstairs, the funny green hands following me all the way. then i wake up.
7. what is your supernatural fear?
I don't have any supernatural fears. My fears are all very natural. They are:
- losing all the people i care about
- living and ordinary life, accomplishing nothing, and being forgotten
- nuclear war
- global warming
8. What is your creepy crawlie fear?
Earwigs. The name says it all. Can't stand them. Also daddy-longlegs. But that's because I was tortured with them at summer camp by the other campers when i was a kid.
9. Tell us about a time you saw a ghost, or heard something go bump in the night.
It's these damned English semi-detatched houses. I was working as a nanny and living in a lovely edwardian semi in Chorlton, outside Manchester. I had been there for a week, looking after the kids, when the mom took the kids on holiday. I was left to look after the house and the cat. The first morning i woke up after the fam had gone i heard footsteps in the living room over my bedroom, which was in the basement. I listened. They were definately upstairs. I figured someone had been casing the joint, saw the fam leave for vacation, and not notice that the nanny was still around. seemed logical. I climbed out my window, went to the neighbors in my PJs, and aksed them to ring the police. The idiot police came with sirens blaring. Havn't these guys heard of a silent approach?! I stood at the neighbors and watched the proceedings through the window, clutching my tea. (There was a crisis, so naturally the first thing the neighbor did before calling 999 was put the kettle on! I love this place.) The first team the cops sent in was the canine unit. I felt very safe knowing there were massive alsatians on my side. good monsters. They cops did a really thorough check, but didn't find anything or anyone. Nothing was missing. They did ask me to take a look at the master bedroom, which was a wreck, but i assured them it always looked that way. It seems the footsteps I heard belonged to the neighbor in the other half of the house, but i had never heard them before becuase the noise of the kids drowned them out. as soon as the kids took off and the place was quiet i could hear all sorts of things coming from next door. bah.
10. would you ever stay in a real haunted house overnight?
sure. there's no such thing as haunted houses.
11. are you a traditionalist (just a face) or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
I get creative with the scariness of the faces. Pumpkins must be scary, like costumes.
(Halloween '03. that was a good Jack.)
12. how much do you decorate your home for halloween?
I don't have a home. But I have a light-up plastic jack-0-lantern for my windowsill.
13. what do you want on your tombstone?
I don't want to be buried. I want to be laid in state in my scull, all my trophies and Olympic medals piled around me, then pushed out to sea and set alight with a flaming arrow while the black-clad throngs wail and mourn on the beach. You think I'm kidding, don't you?