Monday, November 06, 2006

Dry spell and footwear angst

First of all I'd like to aplogize to all the foot fetishists out there who arrived at this post because of a Google search. I'm afraid you're in for a disppointment.

Dry Spell. My first ever. Since that first night with the Hairy Man way back in March, I never had to go more than a couple days without. Certainly never longer than Monday morning to Friday night, and the 3 to 4 times a weekend was more than enough to compensate for that. And of course I jumped right out of the Hairy arms and into the Pirate's, so the spell was never broken until he set sail in the beginning of September. I remember thinking after that night with Hairy, "Ah! So this is how the rest of the world lives! I could get used to this..." And I did.

27 years of involuntary chastity, 6 months of regular, hot, wild, slippery, skin-slapping action, and now a 3-month drought. It really is all or nothing with me, isn't it?

I've heard people whinge about "dry spells" before, but now I find myself thinking, "oh, so this is how the rest of the world lives."

and the other thing that's pissing me off right now:


Look, I've got huge legs. I admit it. (No point in denying it - I couldn't hide them behind a refridgerator.) I tried to buy a pair of wellies last winter, and I'm not shitting, I couldn't get WELLIES over my giant calves. Wellies, for fuck's sake! Had to buy the men's ones.

Women's shoes come in variable widths: narrow, average, wide, etc. Surely women's calves vary in circumference as much as feet vary in width! So why the fuck don't they make tall, sexy, brown leather boots with extra-wide calves? Why God, WHY?

If anyone out there (HC? You're the shoe expert around here...) knows where I can buy a pair of affordable boots with a (brace yourself for this one) 44-centimeter calf circumference, PLEASE let me know.


Gert said...

This is kind of weird but just after I read you on bloglines, I read Sashinka It's not all good news, but read what she has to say, anyway.

I'm sure there's a beautiful serendipity of connectivity in this

Valerie said...

Dry spells suck. And buying shoes is definitely an appropriate response.

I don't know of any UK sources for boots with more real-woman calves, but there are several in the US. Fitzwell is one maker that does wide-calf boots. Dunno if they ship to UK, but you can check them out at e.g. Though admittedly that's only 36 cm, but it is a place to start... will keep looking for you. Shoes are important.

Billy said...

There are wider boots available but, rather like the longer ones, you probably have to rely on mail order/internet. Erm, not that I'd know of course. *ahem*

Valerie said...

Oh yeah and there's

If you want any boots from the US, I'd be more than happy to order them and ship them to you. I realize you don't know me from a bar of soap/blog comment, but. still.

UnderCrackers said...

the best site is They have a shop in Bath I think....they do really skinny to massive calf width measures...they are expensive but I have tweo pairs and they are uber cool and sexy.

Loganoc said...

Damn you Undercrackers, I was just about to shine with my specialist knowledge of Bath shoe shops (Office opened a shop in Bath before they had one in Bristol. I had to go visit a few times).
Yes, Duo have a shop on Gay Street (hee hee) in Bath, it's just in the city centre. As you go halfway there every day anyway, why not try them? They do specialise in boots in a big range of measurements.

Babs said...

My Ma has the very same problem with buying boots, always has, even when she was a twig.

I've the added problem of having not only ginormous calves but ridiculously large feet, too. I wanted to get a pair of boots similar-ish to those when I was in Chicago---they told me to go to the bloody drag queen shop.

Oddly, I didn't find it as funny as they did at the time.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

it's funny, i was looking at duoboots actually (there's a pair on their website called "ravenna" that's just what i'm looking for), but after reading Sashinka's post i'm wary of doing business with them. might pop in there just to take a look anyway.

billy: your secret is safe with us.

val: very sporting of you, but my folks still live in the states, so if i need things shipped to me i can always get my mom to do it. lovely of you to offer, though.

ucc and loganoc: take a look at gert's comment. is sashinka's experience with duoboots a fluke? what are your opinions of their customer service?

Babs said...

And hey!! At least your dry spell will be over soon-ish.

Some of us are %#$#^&@$!!

Moi?? Frustrated?? Noooo!! :P

Anonymous said...

A WOMAN'S calf doesn't come with a 44" girth. Thats why they don't make them!!!

Chaucer's Bitch said...

I should hope not! 44 INCHES would be greusome, even my my standards!

Go directly to Babeland. Do not pass "GO," do not collect $200.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

(if you wanna talk inches, i can tell you that my calves are 17", just 1" shy of the circumference of Scarlett O'Hara's WAIST. The waist of an anorexic, corsetted, pre-childbearing woman, but a waist nonethesless. yup. them's my legs.)

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what my calf measurement is. *Goes to find tape measure*......*fails*

Not much of a comment then.

First Nations said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
First Nations said...

I've got the FloryDorie thing happening...size nine feet, tiny tiny little ankles and fat calves from bicycling and weightlifting (and burritos) I don't wear boots. I gave up on the whole ocncept.Sooner or later I fall victim to the false sense of security and overflow them anyway.

belladona said...

Have you tried Evans? I haven't looked at their new season shoes yet but they've got some quite good ones apparently and I would imagine they'd do wider calf sizes. I really don't understand shoe shops - they're missing out on so many sales. I'm like a twig and I had to search everywhere to find any that fit. If I put on more that a pound they don't do up either. And they're baggy round the ankles, grr. Its madness.

hendrix said...

Ok. Right boots (sorry for the late response here but Herebe's just arrived, so flurry of cooking - because he's hungry, tea making - because he can't find the teapot - even though its on the kitchen bench, and singing - because we're all drunk!).

I too have the large calves (and big, wide feet) problem so I sympathise, I really really really do because I have this thing about long leather boots (not quite a fetish but not far short!)

OK, first thing is that if you're thinking of buying anything cheap - don't!. It's a false economy.

What you need to remember is that if you get the right pair of boots(and look after them)then they're going to last you for years. I have boots (and shoes) that I've had for the past ten years (and longer) and they still look great. I'm not talking thousands here but invest a bit now and you really won't regret it (especially since boots like wine - get better with years)

There are two solutions to your problem..

First solution - suede (and proper suede not pretendy suede because it's just icky and dyes your feet if it gets wet) Suede stretches beautifully when you first put it on, holds its shape and also cleans up a treat time after time (you need a putty rubber to clean it properly). You can pick up a pair of suede boots for about 60 - 80 pounds. I got mine in Sasha/Sacha (??) fifteen years ago and pull them out every winter and they still look great but most shops have them in. Try John Lewis... I saw some good ones in there last week. Suede has the added bonus of not being as expensive (generally) you're looking at about 70-90 quid a pair. Get a pair which have a more classic heel - either block or small stiletto - and ignore all kitten, wedges and platforms which will date.

Leather boots - which is what you specified. They're going to cost more.

Again two ways to do this.

First. What I'd do is visit an equestrian outfitters. They specialise in classic leather boots which aren't going to date. More to the point their boots are made for women whose calves have been honed and toned controlling horses so they aren't catering for spindly legs here. You're probably going to pay between a hundred and two hundred for a pair but the leather, the finish and the longevity of them will be well worth the money.

Second choice. Nine West and Dune both cater for wider fittings. Dune especially usually have some great boots. Mum bought a fabulous pair there last year. Again though they're going to cost a couple of hundred quid. Shelly's is also good (and well made) although they tend to be a bit more high fashion.

Sneaks solution (And what I'd do if I couldn't afford the riding boots) Take a day (midweek is best) and trail round all the shoe shops in town. Try on everything...make a note of size and fitting and make. Then do a search on ebay. Bet you a pound to a penny that they turn up within a week. Good luck.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

you're really not getting the concept of giant humongus gargantuan tree trunk legs here, are you? i would love to run around to all the shops and try boots on. i can't. i've never been able to physically get my legs into a pair of boots in any store ever. (except giant clunky welsh sheep farmer wellies.)

riding boots is a good thought tho. will look into that.

tell the alleged bro and the alleged mum i said "hi." hugs and kisses all around.

UnderCrackers said...

I bought the Ravenna boots and they are great!!!!!......I found the DUO boots website easy to delivery AND if you aren't happy you can return them. I have MASSIVE calves and they make me feel skinny and sexy and awesome...I am a real fan of DUO boots. I can not get boots anywhere on the highstreet believe me I have tried everywhere.

helena said...

No, I refuse to believe that you can't find boots that fit. I think that you're looking in the wrong shops! Where have you tried?

Spinsterella said...

Same same but different - I have such spindley patheric little legs that all boots look like wellies on me.

UnderCrackers said...

Seriously Helena some people do have calves bigger than the average highstreet store fittings...really I have lived with this depressing fact for years.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

geeze, who knew that shoes could generate so many comments?!

HC: Mastershoe, DNA, and about a half dozen other shops whose names I don't know. Pretty much everything on Park Street. (Spin could probably tell you their names.)

Anonymous said...

My calves are only about 1cm off yours CB darling. I have the same problem... was in HK trying to buy boots and it was like "Night of the Spindly Calves". I felt like a real moomoo. Sales girls would take one look at my calves and go "Sorry, no size".

I finally found a pair in Nine West (despite me saying I'd never buy anything from there EVER) - black, flat, but they're not leather and only go up to just below the widest part of my calves.

Then I lucked out and found 2 pairs on ebay - both flat, one a lovely brown and the other black. The brown one has laces all up the front like Doc Martens - so they DEFINITELY fit. Also, vintage, so probably broken in by someone else.

So they are out there. Just have to search...

Good luck my sweet!

helena said...

I know that some people have calves bigger than the average street store fittings - I'm one of them! (and size 8 feet - that's an english size 8 which is massive - and wide fitting too) But boots that fit are out there somewhere - they must be because I've managed to find them too. But as SSB said - you just have to search!
Makes to try are - Nine West, Van Dall (Or it might be van dahl), Ecco, Bally, Kurt Geigher (not sure if I spelt that right!). There, that should get you started. Shellys might be worth a try as well.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

ps. i looked at Marx & Sparx today for boots. they don't carry anything larger than 42 cm calves (and they only had two of those in stock, neither of them styles i liked), which is still 2 cm too short.