I have a chocolate addiction. I mean a proper addiction. As soon as I've eaten a portion of chocolate I fantasize about the next opportunity to eat more. I'm never satisfied. Thinking about my next hit distracts me from my work. I'll take money out of the ATM just to buy a KitKat. And as soon as it's gone I want another. And another.
It is not possible for me to eat half a portion of choclate. If you put a twixt bar in front of me and tell to only eat one finger, I will eat one and then spend the next 20 minutes (if I last that long) staring at the other half until eventually I eat that, too. If a receptionist has a dish of chocolates on her desk I will take one every time I walk past, and then I will begin creating exuses to walk past so I can filch more chocolates.
A few times in my life I've gone off chocolate cold turkey. It takes about a month for the cravings to go away, during which time I'm in agony. But when they do, oh! the sheer relief of it all.
This is why it was such a Bad Idea for me to buy a gigantic bar of "Delux Belgian Plain Chocolate" from Sainsbury's for 85p last night. My flatmate often keeps bars of plain chocolate around and gives me little pieces now and again. I don't understand how he can have one in his room and not eat it all straight away. It just sits there on his desk and he doesn't touch it. This is so alien and unfathomable to me I can't begin to describe it.
But for some fucking reason I thought I could pull off the same stunt. So I bought the chocolate bar. I had a few pieces. (They were really good, especially given that it was cheap chocolate.) I put the rest in the cupboard in the kitchen where I wouldn't have to look at it. "Out of sight, out of mind," I told myself.
But I kept thinking about it. It preyed on my mind. "Just a few more nibbles," I told myself, "to make the craving go away." (What a load of bullshit. I bet every addict uses that excuse.)
I managed to eat only half of it before I went to bed, but that was yesterday, and as of right now the whole thing is gone. Less than 24 hours. And that was a huge bar of chocolate.
I really hate myself.
I wish I could stop.