Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Failed experiment in self control

I have a chocolate addiction. I mean a proper addiction. As soon as I've eaten a portion of chocolate I fantasize about the next opportunity to eat more. I'm never satisfied. Thinking about my next hit distracts me from my work. I'll take money out of the ATM just to buy a KitKat. And as soon as it's gone I want another. And another.

It is not possible for me to eat half a portion of choclate. If you put a twixt bar in front of me and tell to only eat one finger, I will eat one and then spend the next 20 minutes (if I last that long) staring at the other half until eventually I eat that, too. If a receptionist has a dish of chocolates on her desk I will take one every time I walk past, and then I will begin creating exuses to walk past so I can filch more chocolates.

A few times in my life I've gone off chocolate cold turkey. It takes about a month for the cravings to go away, during which time I'm in agony. But when they do, oh! the sheer relief of it all.

This is why it was such a Bad Idea for me to buy a gigantic bar of "Delux Belgian Plain Chocolate" from Sainsbury's for 85p last night. My flatmate often keeps bars of plain chocolate around and gives me little pieces now and again. I don't understand how he can have one in his room and not eat it all straight away. It just sits there on his desk and he doesn't touch it. This is so alien and unfathomable to me I can't begin to describe it.

But for some fucking reason I thought I could pull off the same stunt. So I bought the chocolate bar. I had a few pieces. (They were really good, especially given that it was cheap chocolate.) I put the rest in the cupboard in the kitchen where I wouldn't have to look at it. "Out of sight, out of mind," I told myself.

But I kept thinking about it. It preyed on my mind. "Just a few more nibbles," I told myself, "to make the craving go away." (What a load of bullshit. I bet every addict uses that excuse.)

I managed to eat only half of it before I went to bed, but that was yesterday, and as of right now the whole thing is gone. Less than 24 hours. And that was a huge bar of chocolate.

I really hate myself.

I wish I could stop.


Flirty Something said...

wow - really wished I had not read this posting. The craving is killing me. May even be forced to walk to the shop now. People who can half eat bars of chocolates or not finish a packet of biscuits in one sitting amaze me - freaks

llewtrah said...

I used to own shares in Thorntons.

Loganoc said...

Alright, I'll admit it. You have made me salivate.

I think I have made that cake by the way. Is it the Delia Guinness/Stout chocolate cake? It was gorgeous (and perfect for the boys birthday!).

Spinsterella said...

Please don't hate me, but I ate half of a single finger of twix today.

I'm not a big chocoholic.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Flirty: no kidding, freaks!

Llewtra: I'm glad to know I helped make you rich.

Loganoc: yes it is! i havn't made it yet. was contemplating it for Pirate's birthday. i'm glad to have it endorsed by someone. how would it be with raspberries? he loves raspberries...

Spin: how do you do it? what's your secret? please tell me!

Mr Farty said...

Take a look at wot I posted today. You know you want to. Ignore the whipped cream. Ignore the fruit. Ignore the biscuit base. Just look at the crumbliest, flakiest choclit in the world. Go on.

I thought I could spin it out to three days, but then daughter arrived. "Whose is that?" she asked. "Mine, but you can have a slice."

She left me a tiny morsel.


Now I'll have to go and make yet another one.


Chaucer's Bitch said...

mmm, banoffee pie. i'd never heard of it until last summer when the Pirate took me home to meet his folks. His mum made banoffee pie. It were goooooooood.

Ezri said...

ohhh maaaan, now I want chocolate, and I've got a brand new stash that involves a cream egg (God, I love Easter).

The lovely kind one who works with me brought in mini eggs the other day, and I experienced the "Pringles sensation" - once we popped, there was no stopping. Because of this, I believe, today we got wind-up toys. God, I love my job.

Of course this helps not in the craving department, but at least having fellow conspirators does help in the overall consumption department. This is why all my goodies go to work where they can be shared among the hoards - there's safety in numbers after all (even if said numbers aid and abet the crime...)

Billy said...

There is a newsagent round the corner from my office; other people buy ciggies and newspapers I buy chocolate and only chocolate. The only reason I don't buy chocolate every lunchtime is the embarrassment factor. (so the other day I go to other shops)

Warrior Two said...

I suffer from the same malady. This is what I'm doing about it for myself:

Although you'll have to find what works for you. I am addicted to lots of things: buying things online, whomever I'm dating, food, sugar in general. I've suffered greatly, and after a lot of research and 12-stepping and antidepressants and therapy to fix things from a "will-power/self-esteem" standpoint, the revelation that there could be one, single biochemical source for all my addictions is...well, totally damn logical.

I don't like to proselytize or push programs; I have a deeply ingrained distrust of anyone who does so...so if you do too, take my pointer with a grain of salt and a dash of common sense. But if you're interested and/or curious as to how this program works and/or is working for me so far...I dunno, maybe I'll just do a blog post. Or you can email me. Either way, I'm happy to extend solicited advice, or just a friendly ear for gripes.

Important not to beat yourself up over this. That doesn't take the cravings away. OMG I've just read a great book about this recently too. But in the interest of not being pushy, I'll only share if asked. (can you tell I'm reluctant to be pushy/give advice?)

Da Nator said...

Clearly, you are not alone in your addiction.

Now I'm off home, where Mrs. Nator has made a fabulous chocolate cake. I looooove heeerrrr...

First Nations said...

oo, oo...
found a source for grownup chocolate near me. fine, in the same state as me.
70% cacao content with bean nibs and with red chile and WITHOUT milk and...
*drowns in drool*

Pink Drama said...

want me to send you my recipe for can'tleavealone bars? here's a hint - they're made with hershey's kisses.....

M said...

Well it was National Chocolate Cheesecake Day!


100 Words said...

The master chocolate makers at Lindt have got a lot to answer for. Watching that advert were they pour liquid chocolate into a hard chocolate shell turns me on.

And as for the bastards over at Guylian

hendrix said...

CB, I'm really glad you wrote this post, I now know I'm not alone. I crave chocolate. I try to kid myself that it's under control because I limit myself to eating those little 10p kiddies chocolate bars and they aren't that big. Trouble is I buy them 2 at a time!
Console yourself with the fact that at least you take regular exercise!

PS. I suppose this means you don't want M's recipe for chocolate/almond cake...take 8oz of plain chocolate and 8oz of ground almonds...do I dare continue?

Chaucer's Bitch said...

ez: damnit, why'd you have to go and mention cream eggs???

billy: when i realized that i was embarassed to go back into the coop to buy more chocolate, that was one of the first clues that i have a genuine problem.

W2: i'm definately checking it out. mostly i'm an advocated of the Sit Down, Have A Think, and Take Charge of Yourself/Willpower approach, which usually works with me. I've just been failing miserably in this one department, and it's making me feel shit about myself because I think I bloody well ought to be able to control myself but no matter how hard i try i don't seem to be able to and then I hate myself for being weak and giving in and it starts all over again. ack! I'll definately be taking a look at this, because as I've gotten older I've come to appreciate more just how much what we put into our bodies affects us, and if a nutritional change/dietary adjustment can help i'm all for that. i can't say that therapy or meds has much appeal at this point. save that as a last resort.

nator: have a slice for me while you're at it.

FN: aren't chilie and chocolate amazing together? Flatmate B puts cinamon and chilie in the hot chocolate when he makes it and it's unbelievably good.

pink drama: thanks for the offer, but a) that would counterproductive right now, and b) Hershey's is crap. it's full of wax. Come to Europe and you'll discover what real chocolate is like. And then you'll wind up like me.

m: yay!

100 Words: you think i have grounds for a lawsuit?

HC: that exactly how i consoled myself for years, but the exercise is a lot less regular than it used to be, with my back still being totally fucked (more on that later), and i'm starting to notice the difference in my jeans. shit.

oh go on, send me the recipe. when i bake it's more for other people than for me anyway.

llewtrah said...

You didn't make me rich :( The shares got sold by the ex, presumably to finance his bit on the side. I'm pleased he's gone, but I miss my Thornton's investor choccy coupons.

Sassy Sundry said...

I'm a chocolate whore myself. The only way to avoid it is not to buy it.

GreatSheElephant said...

May I blame you for the packet of Gu brownies I bought today?

The comfort eating will stop next week, I have decided.

Liz said...

This post has been online for five days and I have come back to *look at it* every day since you put it up. I blame you for the Creme Egg I caved in and bought today. It's been on the kitchen table for three hours now, looking at me. I WILL NOT SUCCUMB.