I have had it up to *here*
You know I've been going out of my mind with the wedding plans, right? And I've only been telling you a tiny bit. In addition:
I've been on the phone with my mom more than 2 hours a day for the past 3 weeks.
Last night, after I was in bed (I hate being awakend when I have to be up at 6 am for training), I got a phone call from my father telling me that my mom was upset because I had pushed her out of the wedding plans and she wanted to be more involved!
I pushed her out???? SHE'S FUCKING TAKING OVER! SHE'S MORE INVOLVED THAN THE PIRATE!!!!! I've been reduced to meer middleman, conveying her wishes and commands to the various parties.
Not only that, but there are numerous issues over which she and the Pirate disagreed, and with few (1) exceptions, she has entirely gotten her way. This weekend I got really weepy with the Pirate because I felt that I was being torn apart, and there was absolutely no way I could keep both him and my mother happy, and that if it came down to it, he's more important and his wishes take priority, but I don't (didn't) want to have to be that blunt with my mother.
And then she has the balls to get upset with me. I went livid.
I spent 30 minutes on the phone with dad explaining all of this. He was incredibly sympathetic, and at the end of my tirade said, "You've got me convinced. She's the one out of control." He was about to attempt to deal with her diplomatically and explain my feelings (she's running me ragged micromanaging everything), when she heard him on the phone and exclaimed "Oh, so now I'm the enemy!"
Great. just fucking great.
So what did I do? I rolled over and played dead like I have since I was a kid. I learned very young that you don't win arguements with my mom. No one does. They are pointless. In 29 years she's never once said "I was wrong" about anything. Ever. So I sat there listening to her tell me how much I had hurt her by leaving her out of the wedding (I still have genuinely no idea how she can possibly feel this way) and I wound up aplogizing to her.
God I'm spineless.
I told her how I feel. But did she aplogize? Did she fuck. She doesn't apologize because she is never wrong. It's that simple.
So I aplogized to her. She feels better. I'm still seething. I can't convey how angry I am. And I strenuoulsy resent the fact that she has made planning my wedding into a minor war, fought with emotional manipulation and guilt. Finally at 1:30 in the morning I hung up the phone, took a double dose of sleeping pills, and cried myself to sleep.
On Thrusday (Valentine's Day), Pirate and I are leaving to spend 2 1/2 weeks in Capetown, South Africa. Hopefully in that interval I will be able to calm down and come back feeling refreshed and actually enjoy the wedding planning again. But I'm not hopefull. Pirate and I will be seriously discussing the possibility of eloping.
I can't take this any more, and there's still more than 7 months to go.
22 comments:
Jesus, bad luck. That does sound like an absolute fucking nightmare. Can you allow her to fume and feel wronged... but still keep her out of the wedding plans anyway?
... I'm so sorry, babe. The thing is, I know you're right-- there's not a whole lot you can do with her when she hits that point. It's what made her so good at campaigns and what continues to make her difficult to work with at times. I'm really sorry you've caught this in the neck. I wish I could be more help.
I do think your dad will be a bit of a voice of reason (hopefully) for a while yet. Someone just needs to gently remind her that it *is* your wedding. Probably not you, though.
I'm heading home for easter break, leaving the 22nd and returning the 16th or round thereabouts. I'll try to make it over for dinner and a chat while I'm in the neighborhood. And no matter what, please remember that your bridesmaids love you and would be your bridesmaids even if you got married in Vegas with wheat chaff in your hair. :)
I'm sorry things are going crazy.
Maybe because your Mom is so far away, she's overdoing things a bit.... I don't know her or you, so I can't really say. It's odd how weddings bring out the best and worst in people. At our wedding we ended up doing things that pissed our families off, but we came to a head over things like this and realised we had to step back and jsut do what we felt was important...if it was important do US we'd do it, and left the little things we didn't really care about as much for the family to do/fight over, because the stress was killing us, and so not worth it. Having your Dad on side will help, but and don't feel spineless. From waht I've read here, you're far from, and you're a good person who cares about other peoples feelings. Otherwise it wouldn't bother you so much.
Go away and have a fantastic holiday, relax and come back with a big dumb grin on your face. It'll all sort itself out.
'Accidentally' enclose your blog address when sending her an e-mail.
Are you being gaslighted by your mum?
Book by Robin Stern
My parents gaslight me a lot
Told you so.
The problem is there's no in-between with my mom. If I ask her to stop bugging me with insignificant stuff that doesn't need to be dealt with for months she starts getting all hurt and wounded and crying and saying "you're breaking my heart that you don't want me involved in your wedding!" and i feel all guilty (which is WHY she does it).
and when i tell her that i love her and i DO want her involved, she just completely takes over. the woman has no concept of middle ground. none.
You are being gaslighted
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
I know what gaslighting is. this isn't it. this is just good old fashioned emotional manipulation. she's not trying to make me think i'm insane when in reality i'm not, she's flat out making me insane. subtle difference.
Elope. You'll end up pissing her off anyway so you may as well elope and make your wedding be about you and the pirate, as it should be.
fuck a duck! Get married in ZA!
I'm always a proponent of eloping, especially since I did it myself. One possibility is to elope and get married on your terms, then go ahead with the wedding and let them do their thing.. you don't have to care because it's not "real."
But that might or might not work for you, because I know you have looked forward to an actual wedding. So I hereby wish you better luck, and Great Intestinal Fortitude.
There is absolutely nothing like guilt-trips from the parentals. They can do it like no one else. SIGH.
this is what happens when i don't make it here on time. now belladonna's scooped me! she's absolutely right. the woman's going to be upset anyway. if you can envision her being able to reason herself into a mature level of participation (you can't do this; its up to her) by the time it's down to the wire than carry on ahead with the wedding plans, but SA is sounding like a lovely place to *ahem* wake up married after a night of drunken revelry.
and incidentally, eloping is a wonderful way of making the boundary distinct. you are NO LONGER a subordinate member of her family. you are the new head of your own family. don't like it, mom? you aren't required to.
I'm a bitch, though. but you know what I mean.
you are NOT a wimp. you love your mom, is all.
Hmmm, I sympathize and suggest getting married in SA. Seriously though, maybe you can get your dad to work on her a bit? He seems pretty reasonable and maybe he can convince her to lay off a bit. For what it's worth, I think it's good that you apologized to your mum, even though you were in the right. A well timed apology sometimes costs nowt and works wonders in getting you your own way.
What FN said. Get married in SA. Then let her organise a party in the US exactly the way she wants it.
I apologise deeply for a comment I left some weeks ago saying that now you can relax and enjoy your pre-wedding time. I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek but had no idea it might be like this!
Keep your pecker up and enjoy S.A.
GSE: i'm already letting her organize a party in the US exactly the way she wants it! apparently that's not enough.
anyways, we're going to seriously explore some alternative options while we're away. who knows, maybe when i come back i'll be Mrs. Chaucer's Bitchy Pirate!
or maybe i'll have been able to cool off enough to turn off the angst and tackle things afresh, after I've explained to dad that if he can't keep mom on a leash then she'll have only herself to blame when she doesn't even get invited to the nuptials.
I think it's time for your Dad to step up to the plate.
Sorry about this shit. I'm familiar with the tricks you're having played on you... I think it's probably exacerbated by the fact that she's feeling like she's losing you (off on the other side of the pond, marrying someone from there). Not that I suggest giving in to her.
Okay ... who is th one you intend to spend the rest of your life with? If you don't stand up for his rights at this point you set a dangerous precedent for motherinlawzilla to rule your entire marriage.
When mothers try to take over in the way described it bodes ill for the marriage and you really need to stop it right now unless you want a stereotyped mother-in-law/husband clash for the rest of your lives together. Sorry - it's time to be an adult and stand up to her.
Point out to her, with the aid of her lists, just how much she is trying to hijack your occasion. Alternatively, don't invite anyone and have a quiet wedding (that way everyone feels equally left out and you don't get pulled in different directions or suffer divided loyalties).
I think our moms must be twins separated at birth.
I COULD happen you know.
Oh. My. (Fill in blank).
Do I ever know what you are going through, only change the situation to be my mother-in-law and me. The good news is that the wedding day/night is almost a complete blur, where happiness and celebration really trump everything.
And then, it's all OVER!
I know it's been said before, just try to breathe and remember: that efter the wedding, the GOOD stuff begins... like, the next succession of struggles between you, your mom and your husband.
My unsolicited advise? Do your very best to set up your boundaries now. It's hard to do after a lifetime of your mother's training to appease her, but do it. For the sake of your marriage, your sanity, your husband, your budding family (when it happens). DO IT.
I'm behind you!
Bewildered Housewife
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